Home sweet home......

We traveled again last weekend....this time to San Luis Obispo for my cousin Valerie's wedding..... 

The wedding was perfect. It was in a little chapel at Camp San Luis......very sweet and a little old fashioned. I loved it. Gage and PJ carried a sign down the aisle that read, "Here comes the bride...." and the two flower girls (including Autumn) wore dresses that I made (pics to come). Growing up I spent a lot of time with that part of my family.....and I miss them.......

We had time to kill before the wedding so went to the SLO Children's Museum.......

Every picture of Gage has to be sneaky......

 Gracie liked it.....

We weren't allowed to bring in our stroller so Ashlyn stayed in her carrier.....

And Jay in his.....

I would go again.....the kids really enjoyed it

The day after the wedding was Mother's Day and though Matt offered to spend the day is SLO or Pismo or whatever I wanted-all I wanted to do was come home. It's so hard to travel with the kids right now. Even though we're quickly outgrowing our house-it certainly beats hours in the car and sleeping in a hotel room. That was the last trip we have planned for a while and despite the fact that it will be a billion degrees here all summer I'm glad we'll be home for a while. 

Yesterday (Friday) I took the day off. Moms really never get a day off so I still did all the things mothering requires of me. BUT-I didn't set any other goals for the day.....I didn't try to leave the house, I didn't try to sew, or pay bills, or file, or work on projects, or spend time with friends.....I have to say it was nice. I had Vons deliver my groceries-this service is amazing-it only requires a $50 minimum order and they have free delivery promo codes all the time. It's fabulous. Anyhow, after the traveling we've done the last couple weeks it was really nice to spend the day at home. Gage and I played Scrabble before the little ones woke up and I spent a lot of time just holding the babies. I had time to try a new recipe-Steakhouse Pizza by The Pioneer Woman. We liked it. I think I'll take a day off at least once a week. 

Today Amy came over to take some 3-month pictures of the twins. Ashlyn is almost always smiling......anytime someone talks to her she just lights up with excitement......not today. Not for picture day. She didn't get a good morning nap so she was pretty grouchy for the whole session. Jay was a little easier-he wasn't all smiles either but he wasn't nearly as fussy as his sister. I'm sure we got a few good ones in there somewhere and I can't wait to see them. 

Lately Gracie has been taking off her diaper.......constantly. I wasn't even considering potty training because I don't think she's ready and I don't like cleaning up accidents. But I figured I can't let her keep walking around without a diaper either. Since taking off the diaper is a sign of readiness and she's completely frightened of the toilet I bought a little potty......one that makes a pretty little princess sound when you "flush" it. She doesn't like that potty either.....she refuses to sit on it and begs for a diaper every time she has to go.  It's kind of a busy time right now as Gage wraps up the school year so I think I'll wait to train her until school's out. But if you come over and she's sans diaper just ignore her.....I decided that I actually can let her walk around without a diaper. That's the good thing about staying home. 

There's not much else in the news around here, Gage is wrapping up kindergarten, Gracie's taking off her diaper, and the twins have been busy getting their picture taken......can't wait to share the pics!

Love

 

Traveling.....

Last week we traveled to Monterey for a few days. Matt had a work function so we met him mid-week for a little getaway.....

The day before we left I took Gage to the library for a little while after school. We hadn't been in ages and I forgot how much we both love it there.

The back neighbors invited us to a BBQ at the neighborhood park the evening before we left. Matt was already gone. At first I thought, "There's no way we can make the park tonight-I haven't even started to pack". Then I realized that the cleaning lady had just come and going to the park was an opportunity for my house to stay clean just a few more hours......and Alyssa was at the house with the little ones.......if I had her stay to help me at least start packing up we could probably make the park, have dinner there, get back at bedtime and the house might actually stay clean. So while I fed the twins Alyssa helped Gage and Gracie get packed for the trip, then I packed up the stroller and took the kids to the park. Gracie was the hardest part.....Gage had friends and I didn't feel like I had to watch him every second but Gracie is stealth. One second she's there and the next she's gone. Luckily she found a spot on a blanket with some friends.......with a few Fritos she was content to stay there all evening.

The next morning Alyssa came back to help me pack up the car and get the big kids breakfast since I hoped to be on the road by 8:30am. See-I'm not supermom......if she hadn't been there to help we may have never left. As I fed the twins she was packing up our luggage into the car as I'd asked. When I walked out to the garage I realized I'd forgotten that we needed to pack the big stroller. Start over. We pulled everything out so the stroller could go in first and we packed again. Only 30 minutes late for our estimated departure time we pulled out.....that is REALLY good for me because I was always late BEFORE I had kids. I started a movie for Gage, Gracie was up early so I knew she'd fall asleep and the twins had full bellies. I took a deep breath, I was feeling good. As I drove down Friant my mind wandered, "......it's a challenge to pack for five people.....there's so much to remember......good thing I made that list....I would have totally forgotten my nursing pillow......I used to spend so much time making sure I had all MY stuff.......now I don't even worry about my clothes.......OH MY GOD I forgot my clothes!!" I had left behind my hanging clothes. I would have had nothing but pajamas and a pair of cropped jeans. Thankfully I was only five minutes from home so I turned back.

We were off again and the trip was rather smooth. No potty stops and no major crying. Success. We arrived at our hotel and as Matt unpacked I fed the babies. I was starving so we set out to Cannery Row for some lunch. We took out the big stroller, laid the twins down in it and put Gracie up front. We went to FishHopper to sit on the patio. I would never expect to take a stroller inside. So I asked the host, "May we sit outside on your patio with our stroller." His response- "I'm sorry ma'am, we have a strict no stroller policy". Okay. I go back outside to tell Matt and I see a corner table where we could just park the stroller next to us and it wouldn't technically be on their patio. Matt and I were very gracious in asking if we could sit there.....because I get it. I understand that a stroller takes up space and can be a burden.......but I was starving and I didn't want to have to go somewhere else and be told the same thing. They weren't happy about it and made it clear that they were making an exception but they did let us sit there. I didn't realize our family would be so hard to accommodate......

That night we had a dinner to attend and Matt's cousin April came to watch the kids in our room. Gracie was ROTTEN as we were getting ready. She hadn't had a nap and it was obvious she needed one. There was just nowhere for her to take one without the distraction of seeing us. At least one of the kids was crying the whole time we were trying to get ready. April arrived and I was feeling so bad for her. I told her-"I really have no expectations, Gracie is being awful, this room is tiny, and as long as they're all alive when we get back I'll be happy". I was dead serious. I didn't care what she fed them, whether or not their teeth got brushed, or if the room was in shambles when we returned. I told Matt I was afraid she wouldn't come back for the second night.  When we got back Gracie and the twins were asleep and she swore they were great. I just didn't realize how stuffed it would feel with all of us in one room.....

The next day we took the kids to the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz. It was......okay.  The thing is I don't want having kids to keep me from life and I don't want Gage to miss out because we have the little ones. So we went. I set my expectations pretty low and I wasn't disappointed! I didn't realize that until summer on weekdays half of the rides are closed. It was fine. Gage had fun. He was two inches short of being able to ride the Giant Dipper :(

Ashlyn and Jay ready for the Boardwalk...

Gage had this look the whole time he was on the swings.....he insisted he loved it but it certainly didn't look like it.......

Jay getting some sun......

Gracie being bi-polar......
She loves the boardwalk

 No she hates the boardwalk

 Gage being big.....

I took Gracie on the carousel. I strapped her to the horse and decided to stand beside her. Before the ride started Gage turned to me and said, "MOM!! Hold on to her!!' He was so concerned about her. I thought she would love it because she loves to ride her rocking horse and get thrown into the air. I was wrong. She hated it. She yelled at me the whole time.....I would say she cried but there were no tears-just screaming and yelling.

My family.....

 I love rides so I joined Gage for a few.......

Here's an overview-Jay cried most of the time-I finally just put him in the carrier and he was happy, Gracie was grouchy because she doesn't sleep well when we travel and the rides just weren't her thing, Ashlyn pretty much slept in the stroller the whole time, and Gage thought we ALL had a great time because he did.  That was all we'd hoped for.....that's why we went. Matt and I realized that we survived-nobody got in trouble, nobody got hurt, nobody got lost, and that's a success.

That night April returned and we enjoyed dinner at The Sardine Factory just the two of us. Matt ordered abalone. I thought it was odd because he'd never had it that I knew of. The server walked away and he said, "I hope I like it.....I hope I'm not allergic to it". He didn't like it. The good news was the rest of the meal was fabulous and he didn't HATE it. The kids were alive again when we returned thanks to April.

The next morning we went to MY Museum. I opted for this instead of the aquarium. If you've done the aquarium and not MY museum you should try it next time.

Gracie liked this.....

Gage liked this.....

This was another of Gracie's favorites.......a little coastal area with a slide and a boat

Gracie in a bubble......

 POP!!

Matt trying to coax Gracie out of the tunnel......

Someone has to man the stroller.....

 Most pictures of Gage are of the back of his head......he hates pictures.....

See.....

Jay and Ashlyn at MY Museum

Yesterday I got a sweet Facebook message from Danielle, another mama of four (youngest are boy/girl twins). It was a reminder that this time will just fly by.......that two to four is a big jump and managing a larger family is something we just have to learn......and that quality is more important than quantity.

Take the evening at the park for example. I wanted to take them all with me. I would have felt like some type of failure if I didn't.....as though I can't even manage all of my kids. But the fact is-since had all four.....I didn't PLAY with any of them. I was just trying to keep it together and make sure I didn't lose anyone. I need to get over myself and my pride......to accept that quality time with one or two of them is probably been better spent than trying to juggle them all. This is why Tuesday afternoons are now library days with Gage. Just the two of us. A sitter for all the littles. We can complete homework in peace and pick out some great reads as a reward. It's okay to leave the littles with the sitter. In fact, it's GOOD to leave them.

We're learning.......this trip taught me that no matter how small they are 6 bodies really is too many for a standard hotel room........that a family of six with three little ones can be really hard for a restaurant to accommodate......that babies and the Boardwalk don't mix......and that every time we take the kids we'll need a vacation from our vacation when we get home. Next time we line a sitter up for Sunday...and we're off to Vino for a glass of wine sans children.

That's the great thing about life-you can live and learn......

Love.

P. S. To all of you readers-thank you. Some of you have sent sweet messages to me and I want you to know that I'm so grateful for the kind words. I don't always take the time to respond because I'm afraid if I did-I wouldn't have time to write any posts! Thanks again, hope you enjoy watching us grow......

I'm still keeping them alive.....

Some days are just hard.....

Earlier this week I tried to be amazing. I wasn't. Alyssa wasn't here to help. I only had ONE errand that required me to leave the house-pick up the dry cleaning before Matt left town. I decided that I would go around the same time school gets out so I could pick up the kids and Mandy wouldn't have to. For anyone unaware of how this works-school pick up is really obnoxious for someone like me. In order to pick up the kindergarten kids you have to go up to the classroom so that the teacher can dismiss your child to you. I decide to go early to make sure I'd have a spot up front because there was no way I could get all three little ones out of the care without my stroller. I hoped to park where Gage's teacher could see me if I just stood outside of my car. Thirty minutes wasn't early enough so I found a mediocre spot and parked. Some parents camp out there I guess. Just as I put the car in park Jay started screaming.....I listened for a few minutes then I got him out of his car seat. Within two minutes Ashlyn was crying.....and since I decided to arrive early for that prime parking spot, we still had twenty minutes before the kids would even be dismissed. I decided to get out and try to give Ashlyn her pacifier while I held Jay.....a few minutes later and I was sweating because it was so hot outside. I decided to go ahead and leave my car running and just walk about 20 feet from the car so Gage's teacher could see me. As I walked away I heard Gracie start crying-afraid I'm leaving her. Awesome. Now all three of them were crying........

With the help of another blessed parent I finally get all the kids (Gage and the back neighbors) into the car. Then some guy......all by himself.....was parked illegally behind me while he waited for his sixth grader to get in the car. Grr......

This is why my back neighbors do this job for me. God bless them. Just picking up my kid from school is hard.

And then Gracie has been doing a lot of this......

I guess this is the onset of terrible twos.......or something. Whatever it is it's messy......and hard.

We're coming up on a trip for Matt's work at which I have to wear a dress. So all week I've been trying to find time to shop for one. Unsuccessfully. It's looking like I'm going to have to squeeze into something I already have. Grr......finding time to shop can be hard.

Matt is out of town for work and last night I was SO tempted to not make dinner. I was tempted to just scrounge something like sandwiches for the kids and clean the house while they sat down to eat. Everyone has things that they feel are important......dinner as a family is one of mine. So even though Matt was gone I grilled some chicken and whipped up chicken tacos. Instead of cleaning the house and doing laundry I sat down at the table with the kids. We did the same things we do when he's home-we said a prayer, talked about the day, and I reminded them about table manners.

Gage talks......a lot. Sometimes I love it because he's really funny.......but sometimes it drives me bananas. Sometimes I want to just scream "SHUUUUT UP!!!" A couple of weeks ago I started to lose it. It was a weekend and all morning he was talking. I couldn't get anything done-I couldn't get just five minutes of peace to get my grocery list done. I sent him outside to play and I started to cry. Matt had been working outside and he came in to find me feeding the twins and crying. He told me to take some time to myself.......to go for a walk, or go to the gym, or go do whatever I needed to do. I was torn.....I wanted to go to the gym......I wanted to just be alone with my iTunes........

But I couldn't. I asked Matt to get my beach cruiser down. I told Gage to get a couple of books to put in his backpack. I needed time alone with him. I've heard people talk about the importance of spending one-on-one time with their kids.....so they don't feel left out. Honestly-I don't buy into that kind of stuff. I go with my parenting gut and it had never told me to specifically carve out one-on-one time. But my gut told me this time that I needed time alone with him. I used to LOVE reading to him.....but lately, by the time we get settled and ready for books before bed-I am SO tired. I still go through the motion of reading, but I wouldn't say I've been loving it. And lately he's been choosing Ninjago books-they are AWFUL. Anyway, we set upon our bike ride and Gage began talking.......he did not stop for twenty minutes straight. He was talking about a movie he'd watched on the iPad at his dad's and finally he turned to me and asked, "What was your favorite movie when you were a kid?" The best part about it was that it didn't bother me....that time was devoted to him so if he wanted to talk my ear off-so be it. We got to Yogurtville and served ourselves some frozen yogurt. We sat outside and he pulled out his book choices-I Need My Monster and How to Become a Pirate. Thank God it wasn't Ninjago. I read the books slowly and deliberately. I loved it. I enjoyed him. We needed that.

If you are a mom and you have never read this article, "Don't Carpe Diem" on Momastery, it's awesome. I love being a mama but sometimes it's just hard. Not every moment is lovable. This is my favorite part....

"My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure.  I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

 “It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.” 

Some days are hard.....but each of my babies are precious and I love them so......

Love

6 days of posting in one.....talk about random

Yesterday (okay, it wasn't yesterday-it was LAST Wednesday but it was "yesterday" when I started this post- I'm just getting around to finishing) I met my girl friend Christina and her son Carter for lunch and a little playtime in River Park. I was going to just take Gracie so I could have a little one-on-one time with her. Long story short I had an appointment in the morning that I couldn't take any kids to and Gage had a birthday party at Skywalk in the afternoon. I opted to have my sitter for those two and I just took the twins with me for lunch. It was rather ridiculous. I was trying to push the tandem snap-and-go stroller which turns terribly and hold Gracie on my hip at the same time because she's not a good hand-holder. I made it into Panera okay......then Ashlyn started to fuss so I took her out of the stroller......then Jay started to fuss so I passed Ashlyn off to Christina and then I held him. Thank God Gracie and Carter were both being good so we all enjoyed a nice lunch. But I realized that it was pretty tough. Not so tough that I wouldn't do it again.....I just might do it differently. Maybe one baby in the carrier......maybe my other stroller.....I don't know. It made me REALLY glad that I have Alyssa to come help me when I need to run errands.

Regardless, I'm glad I had a chance to catch up with Christina because it had been a while! Carter and Gracie were adorable running, climbing, crawling and sliding through the play area in front of Edwards Theater. Christina kindly helped me get in a little stop at See's Candies and into my car after a nice lunch and a little play time for the kids. She was also able to see first hand how the twins can draw attention.....

I often get asked, "How are you going to pay to put them all through college?" I wish I had some brazen remark but I'm just not like that so I never say anything-I just smile instead. It's another one of those questions with an assumption. The answer is we don't know......we might not. A teacher by profession I obviously value education. We hope all of our children will be college graduates........but are we planning our family based on how we'll afford to put them through college? No. I ran across this article shared by my friend......and by friend I mean Facebook friend-I've never actually met her. She's the wife of Garth (Matt's best friend from Stanford) and through Facebook I've come to love their family. It was interesting to me. Anyway.....mothers without a high school diploma have the highest fertility rate.....we're just doing our part to close the gap. I should tell those people-don't worry about how we'll pay for their education-just be grateful you won't have to.

-------------------------

Sometimes I have a hard time not working. I feel like I'm not making my contribution to society, especially since having the twins and practically never leaving the house.....I'm not teaching, I'm not serving at our church......I'm not.......helping. Matt has reminded me often that I AM helping by focusing on raising our children to contribute and serve others. When I was teaching I felt my service was obvious......I at least thought it was. From former students I know that I conveyed love and encouragement. I don't know if they learned anything scientific or not, but they at least had someone that cared for them and gave an honest answer to any question they asked. I really did feel like I was making a difference, and that I was serving God by loving those kids.

They loved me back....

Service isn't always so obvious. I rave about my back neighbors all the time. Some of our best friends live in our neighborhood but those back neighbors have been the biggest blessing of all. Around the last month of my pregnancy they started offering to take Gage to/from school for me. As delivery day got closer Mandy said, "Dusty-I am picking Gage up EVERY day for school-no if, ands, or buts. I've got him and if there are days I can't take him I will let you know. Otherwise you know-we've got him." I have written thank you notes and made cookies. I've offered gas money and whenever life allows I take them to school so she doesn't have to. But really nothing can describe what a blessing that has been for our family. In my five minutes alone in the shower I was thinking about their service to our family. It is such a blessing.....and it's not so obvious but by helping our family they are serving God.

I've got to remember that service isn't always as obvious as teaching or volunteering at church. Right now my service is more like wiping butts, reviewing sight words, teaching consequences.....all in attempt to raise children that exhibit the fruits of the the spirit.

The greatest of these is love...

They are getting so big......

This I will treasure....

I love this. This is the first family picture Gage has drawn since the twins were born. He described it to me, "Mom you're dancing, Dad is wearing a hat, I'm saying I love you, Gracie's wearing a dress, Jay is saying Waaah, Ashlyn is saying Naaah......and she has a triangle-shaped head". It's true-Jay and Ashlyn have different cries and Gage can recognize them.......and Ashlyn is growing out of her triangle-shaped head but for a few weeks we were all calling her Megamind. It's okay-she get it from her mama. Gotta love his honesty, and the high heels he's got me wearing.......

Love

So what if I do.......

We have four kids. Three of them are under two. We sometimes look like a circus......

Every day someone asks, "So you're done, right?"

I hate that question. It's not even a question.......it's an assumption.

Here's the thing-I have NO idea if we're done having kids or not. We might be done.....but we might not. When people assume we're done with the "So you're done, right?" question and I answer "I'm not sure" I get gasps and "Oh my God-you guys are CRAZY!!" in response.

We're coming up on an event for Matt's work that will be held in Monterey.......I was reminiscing about the event last year. It was the same trip last year that I got a call. My friends Danneal and Josh were having baby number four. For quite some time they thought they were done at three but they'd decided to have ONE more. I was sitting at the wharf in Monterey with the kids when she called. Gage, Gracie and I were eating lunch at a restaurant and my hands were full-I didn't answer. She called again. I didn't answer. She called from Josh's phone and I figured if she was calling three times it must be important so I answered. She'd had her ultrasound that morning and she said, "What's the worst possible news?" In my head I was thinking "miscarriage" but I couldn't believe that would be her delivery of such news. Instead-she said, "TWINS". I almost died. I couldn't believe she was having twins. I just kept thinking FIVE kids.....she's going to have FIVE kids......

Fast forward about three months. We go in for our ultrasound and learn WE'RE having twins. Danneal immediately came to mind. I mean, I couldn't be having twins-I already HAVE a friend having twins. It was early, I was probably 10 weeks. Matt and I were in shock-we hadn't even told our family we were expecting and now we were going to announce it would be twins. I didn't know what the risk of "vanishing twin" was so I wasn't sure when we would be safe to make the announcement. I knew Danneal would know so I text her, "When does the risk of vanishing twin disappear?" She replied, "Why are you having twins?" I wasn't expecting that reply and I'm a terrible liar-even in text.......so I said yes. Pretty sure her response was, "You're #*$% kidding me".

Fast forward a few more months and Danneal delivers her identical twin girls, Charlotte and Penelope. Danneal has difficult pregnancies.....from bed rest to babies in the NICU-the whole thing is challenging. Aside from that-we have a lot in common-similar parenting styles and values, cooking, sewing, photography.........and now we're both the parents of twins. One of the major differences in our lives is that she is a working mom and I stay home. Danneal is a nurse and her husband is a cop. They knew from the time they got pregnant with the twins that they would be done growing their family.

Last week we were having a long talk about sewing.....Mother's Day.....breastfeeding....all kinds of things. During that conversation she said something that stuck out to me........she said that if she didn't have to work and could stay home with her children and if her pregnancies weren't so difficult she would really consider having another. So...........what I gathered from that is that if she were me-she would really consider having another.

So maybe I'm not that crazy.

Or maybe we're just BOTH crazy.

We both get called "superwoman" and "supermom" all the time......and we don't feel like we're doing anything that amazing. Most often, this compliment comes from mothers who also say things like "I can't even get to the store with ONE child let alone four!" and "I can't believe you're nursing TWINS, I was overwhelmed with just one baby". To all of you that feel that way-you would be the same supermom if you were in our shoes. We're just doing what we have to do to maintain our families. I remember taking Gage shopping with me when he was little. He would look at himself in the mirror at Anthropologie eating his puffs. I'm pretty sure I thought that was hard. I probably wished I could be out shopping alone.....that I didn't have to rush home for nap time. So I get it......I get that it can be challenging to have even one child and that I look like supermom with my four-three of them still tiny......

It's just like when Danneal told me they were expecting twins-and I kept thinking, "FIVE kids......she's going to have FIVE kids".......Now I'm over here considering it myself!!

But honestly........

how could I not when I look at this every day.....

Love

Kids, kids, kids......did you know I have a husband too?

Lately I've been feeling......old. I remember turning 25....I don't remember what I did or anything I just remember one of my best friends (who has a birthday about 2 months after mine) asking how bad it was....you know, if I felt old. The answer was no, not really. If anything made me feel older at 25 it was the fact that I was becoming a mother. But after having him I still felt young and I looked young.......see......

2006

And after having him I was quickly back in shape. I had six pack abs. I never wore make-up. Ever. And still felt like I looked pretty good. I had time to get my nails done......get a pedicure.....and get my hair did. 

Lately-I'm feeling....old....and less than attractive. My belly isn't going back down quite as quickly this time and the skin is frighteningly saggy around my belly button. I've got stretch marks. My butt feels saggy. I feel the need to put on a little make-up. Still wearing maternity and my signature gym clothes. I CAN put on my pre-pregnancy jeans-but not without one of the worst muffin-tops you've ever seen. My face is breaking out and 1-there's nothing I can take for it while breastfeeding and 2-putting on makeup for the sake of covering things up isn't something I'm trained in. I keep having flare-ups of PUPPP which gives me these red itchy hives that look disgusting......... 

I can relate to this post at Life with Greyson and Parker, which includes this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

What is REAL? asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle? 

Real isn't how you are made, said the Skin Horse. It's a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

Does it hurt? asked the Rabbit.

Sometimes, said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.

Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, he asked, or bit by bit?

It doesn't happen all at once, said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand...once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.

It makes me think of Matt.......he loves me Real......he even loves me till I hurt as the Skin Horse mentions. He loves me till I hurt with guilt because I can't give to him as much as he gives to me.....

When you have tiny babies, especially two of them......or even three of them for me, when I consider Gracie-it's hard to make time for anything else. Time is limited so when I have the choice of putting on make up or brushing my teeth-I choose hygiene every time. Or sometimes I have to choose between feeding the twins or getting dressed for the day-and I choose them every time. I used to get up and make Matt breakfast every morning. Now, every once in a while, I will make a batch of breakfast burritos and stick them in the freezer for him to heat up in the morning. That's if he's lucky. For some people it doesn't seem like a big deal that I don't make his breakfast......but it is a big deal-and it makes me feel guilty because I know he'd make mine. 

He never wants me to feel bad. He's going to feel bad when he reads this and realizes that I feel bad. Earlier this week I tried a new recipe-Pioneer Woman's Grilled Chicken and Pineapple Quesadillas seen here. The recipe was described as spicy and Matt likes spicy so I was trying to do something new for him. I started by getting everything cut up, skewered, prepared and ready for the grill. Then I stopped to feed the babies so they wouldn't cry while we were eating or during my preparation. They cried anyway. They may have been fed but they wanted to be held. I can hold them both at once-but I can't hold them both at once and put the food on the grill.......at least not without potentially charring a toe. But they were fed and changed Gracie and I were starving so I let them cry while I got things on the grill. 

Matt walked in from work and not only were both of the babies crying but Gracie was now crying too-she saw chocolate on the counter and we wouldn't let her have it. More on this phase of hers in another post. Anyway, I was in and out of the kitchen/backyard getting dinner grilled. Matt picked up the twins and tried to comfort Gracie as I continued with dinner. We finally sat down for dinner Matt took his first bite.........and he nearly choked. "You didn't take the seeds out of the jalapenos?!?" he asked.....I started to cry. That's just what I do. It's not that I expected everything to be perfect but I was hoping that he would come home to a quiet house with a decent dinner. Fail. 

Of course Matt said that dinner was great, he just wasn't expecting the heat. He told me he loved it and that if I had just used a few less jalapenos it would have been perfect. Side note: If you consider making the recipe-just follow hers, I used more jalapenos because I was cutting the recipe in half but didn't half the jalapenos cause I thought he'd like the heat. Anyway, as usual, he assured me that everything was fine......that he understands sometimes the kids are going to be fussy.......and that I'm still going to be wearing the sweaty clothes from my walk....and that I may or may not have showered that day.......and that dinner won't always be fantastic......and that even though I look a mess I'm still beautiful to him when he sees me with our children.

Our family 2010

Our family 2013

We're really good at growing a family......

He's not perfect, but I couldn't ask for anything more. He works long days to care for our family. He changes diapers and holds babies when he gets home. He reads to the kids. He makes sure that I feel loved. He reminds me that there are always worse things and makes me laugh when I cry. 

I obviously blog a lot about my kids but they aren't my whole world, they are part of it. Being a mom takes up most of my time but I can't forget that I am a wife first. We've got a date night planned for this weekend.....and I'm going to try my best to get myself put together and get the kids all set up for us to leave. The good news is that if I don't-it's going to be okay, because Matt loves me Real and this is just our real life......

Love