Haven't had a post in a while. I've just been busy.....doing nothing......
A few weeks ago Matt and I went to Texas. He had a work event and I tagged along for the chance to see two of my dearest friends-Kelsi and Gabby. Due to the crazy weather over there Kelsi couldn't make it over from Oklahoma, but she's making a trip to Cali this week so it turned out alright. I got to see Gabby and that was good.
Gabby knows me. The original version. Before I was a Mrs. and a mama. No one here, by here I mean where I live now, knows that me. I've been here for years but I still feel like no one really knows me. More on that later. Gabby was my best friend in high school. Even though we don't see each other, or even talk all that often, she probably knows my heart better than any of my friends. She has watched it break and helped me put it back together. My memory isn't great but I always think of two moments I share with her. The first was crying on the floor in my house on Sparrow Court and her holding me on her lap as I sobbed. The second is being on the phone in the back room at work being yelled at by an ex and her sternly telling me to hang up the phone. I should have listened to her.
And this week Kelsi is coming to visit. She has also helped me mend a broken heart. She met me just before I got a divorce. She was the voice of reason and was reason I went back to church.
The last several weeks have been a blur and the last few days I've been sad. I don't have any reason to be sad-I just think I haven't had any time to really think. My days have been full of momming. I took all 4 kids to the dentist one day, there was screaming and crying and embarrassing. I took them to a birthday party tonight and I feel lucky I didn't lose any of them. They each bring a specific challenge. Jay is all boy-rough and tumble. I spend my time taking him off the kitchen table, prying him off the bookcase he climbs, and taking baseball bats and brooms away from him as he swings them around carelessly. Ashlyn is the easiest right now, the only challenge she gives me is that she's always needing comforted as she gets pushed around. She's always getting bonked in the head or having a toy snatched away from her. Gracie's been a nightmare at bedtime and she has stopped napping. Her blankie got left at Grandma's house a few weeks ago. Devastating. By the time Grandma could send it back we'd already endured the worst of the crying. Since we noticed a sharp decline in her thumb-sucking we decided the blanket would never return. So we've been dealing with a change in her sleep routine. She's sensitive to change and a terrible sleeper already so a blanket left behind was some serious stress over here. Then Gage. Gage and his curiosity. It's a love/hate thing for me. I can't tell you how many times I've had to explain that I have NO idea why people thought it was okay to enslave black people or why Hitler would want to kill Jewish people simply because they were Jewish. I DON'T KNOW. Then there's dealing with the fights over what they're going to watch on TV or who gets to help get the twins out of bed or who's big enough to put the knives away from the dishwasher. The conversations I have are unreal. Have you ever seen those "Why My Son is Crying" pictures? Gracie was crying last night because I wouldn't let her wipe my bottom. Seriously. That is my life. Me and my three year old, in the bathroom, talking about why she can't wipe my bottom. I think it's just too much time spent as mom.
"But now I see there's no such thing as "a" woman, "one" woman. There are dozens inside every one of them. I probably should have figured this out sooner, but what child can see the woman inside her mom, with all that Motherness blocking out everything else?" -Kelly Corrigan, Glitter and Glue
That speaks to me. That's why I'm so reflective about the time spent with an old friend. It stirs up some version of me that hasn't surfaced for a long time. That's what I mean when I say no one here really knows me. It's just that they only see the most common me-Matty's wife, mom of four.
I don't need a break from the kids or a vacation. That's not it. I can be many versions of myself with the kids, I've done it before. I just need time to think, and to sew, and to blog and I haven't been able to find it. The only reason I have time right now is that Matt isn't home. I don't sleep well when he's away so I'm using the time to write. Mostly I just need time to think. About real things. Not about what I need at the grocery store, or how much TV time my kids have had today, or how to convince Gracie that she's fine without her blankie. But about real things-like the meaning of life and how to best teach my children to live it. I've been so busy going through the motions I can't enjoy it.
I think I'll change it up. I always cook dinner for my family, think I'll treat myself to a few nights of take out over the next few weeks. No prep and less clean up. Maybe I'll take the kids for a drive, it'll give me quiet time while everyone is buckled into a car seat. Maybe that'll do it, help get me off this hamster wheel I've been on.
Be thinking of me. Whichever version you know and love. And pray that I'll find time to think and to be me.
Love.
