Still finding myself......

Last post I told the Dora the Explorer story and mentioned that we're somewhat removed from television and pop culture......and it's true. I mean, I'm not Matt-I DO know that the Dora book wasn't the Spanish version.....

Now that I'm out of the classroom I feel AM so disconnected from pop culture. It's bad. I rarely watch television and if it weren't for ESPN we would go without cable at our house. And becoming the mother of a school-aged child really changed me. I used to have concerts in the car all the time......but when Gage asks "What is he saying?" and I have to answer "Put it on my lap baby, I make you feel right baby, can't promise tomorrow, but I'll promise tonight" I just can't take it. If I was in Vegas I would shake my tail feather all night to such a song but I just can't let my son sing those words. Some might say to just make up different words......but I'm not that mom. I'm the one that when he asks, "Where do the babies come out?" I answer honestly. So instead, I change the station to KDUV and let him sing as loud as his heart desires, "Shine, bright, let your glory fill the land, lift, high, the King of Kings and great I am, Jesus, you are the way, you are the way........" 

For his 7th birthday Gage asked for 

1. iPad

2. Bike

3. Bible

4. Movie (Tron Legacy)

5. Telescope

6. Science Stuff

When he read the list to Matt he said after iPad "I know I'm not going to get that but I just would really want one" and he was right. Sometimes I feel weird.....I NEVER give my kids my phone to play with. EVER. My friends will talk about apps their kids love to play on their phones and I'm over here thinking, "Gracie has never played with my phone.......and I kind of don't want her to." It's not that I'm anti-technology it's just that we've been content without that kind of entertainment so far. Plus my phone is to me like my purse was to my mom-it's private and not a place for kids. If we go for a long walk my kids just enjoy the scenery (or Gage enjoys asking a million questions), if we go to a restaurant (which admittedly-it's been a while) they just enjoy the good food and good company. I want that for them....for them to enjoy quiet time....visiting with each other.....and most importantly just having time with their thoughts. I find myself very attached to my phone lately.....I'm at a long stop light, I'll just check Instagram really quick.....nursing the twins, I'll just check Facebook. There's a part of me that finds that tragic....that I can't just sit quietly with my thoughts anymore, just ten seconds idle and I'm reaching for my phone to entertain me. I want the kids to be okay with boredom in small doses.....

A few weeks ago I ran across a link to a blog post educating parents of kids/tweens/teens about various phone apps....what they do, what to look out for, and how to teach your kids about the dangers of the Internet. It was really thought provoking. The author shared a story about how her young daughter while searching for American Girl dolls accidentally came across pornographic images.....Broke. My. Heart.

I vacillate....especially with Gage now that's he's getting older.......do I just put on my Christian radio and protect his ears from lyrics like those of Blurred Lines (go ahead-Google those please, and tell me how you would tell your 7-year-old son when he asks what those lyrics are)......do I just keep encouraging him to build with his new wood kit and read his snake books instead of watching a movie or playing games on the iPad.......

OR

do I let him listen to the music because if I don't he'll do in secret anyway......give him the iPad and teach him what to when an innocent search goes sideways......

I had a friend growing up whose mother was over-protective, she would never let her stay the night at anyone else's house. By 8th grade she was sneaking boys into her room at night. Rebellion. I don't want that.

It's a balancing act I guess. Someone angrily asked me once, "You're twenty-seven years old Dusty, you should know who you are by now! I don't get it. Are you the girl from the gym picking her son up from the daycare or are you the girl dancing with some guy at the club?" In the moment (because I'm terrible at arguing and I totally stop and reflect instead of fighting back) I thought, "I SHOULD know who I am......do I know who I am?.....I think I'm both.....should I only be one of those.....cause there's clear right choice if that's true....." but I didn't actually SAY anything. Years later I'm realizing that I will NEVER know exactly who I am. That's okay. It's called growth...and one should never stop learning and growing. Some parts will never change but I'm okay with the fact that one day I'm the mom having concert in the car with some JT and the next I can't take one more second of B95 and we're instead singing praises to our maker. It's okay that one day I let Gage pick a new app for my iPad and give him some time to play and the next I tell him to go outside, build a fort, and don't come inside until it's dark.

We'll celebrate Gage's birthday this weekend (he was with his dad on the actual day) and he will not get an iPad. But I'm not as against it as I was just a few weeks ago. My noni was an inspiration for this blog and I have to remember that though she was a Godly woman she embraced change. After reading the blog post educating parents on apps/internet use I realized that if I don't teach Gage-someone else will. If I don't let him play on the iPad and search for videos on YouTube he'll be dying to get a hold of that iPad when he's at a friend's house and there may be no one watching. If I haven't taught him what to do if he accidentally comes across a pornographic image-no one will. Part of my job as a mother is to keep up with the world even if it means doing something I don't really want to do. So who knows.....maybe Santa will bring an iPad (more likely a Kindle)......

or maybe a telescope instead.....just depends on who I am that day.....

Love.

Visitors......

I've mentioned that I've just had to get over my house being a mess.....that I have to let people see it messy because if I didn't I would never see anyone. That's easy when it comes to friends and family but it's another when it isn't.........

A few Fridays ago Matt called me around 6:30 on his way home. Reception was really poor and I couldn't understand anything he was saying. Five minutes later he showed up with a business associate, Brett, that he had invited over for the evening after they'd been golfing for the afternoon. I wanted to die. My house was a disaster, I had scrounged up some leftovers into burrito bowls for us to eat for dinner but had nothing to offer him to eat, I still had to get all three little ones to get fed, bathed, and ready for bed (and with a guest I knew I'd have no help from Matt), and I hadn't showered......I stunk.

In that moment I was so irritated that he would invite a guest over. Ugh. Brett told me about how his wife is meticulous and maintains a really clean house.......as I smelled like the gym (I hadn't been there, I just smelled like it) and looked out at a floor covered in toys and baby paraphernalia. Fantastic.

So embarassing.

Deep breath. I scrapped our bowls and stretched them into quesadillas so I would have something for everyone to eat. I managed to get Gracie dinner and a bath, the twins bathed, fed, and off to bed (Gage wasn't home). Following that I made a quick loaf of banana bread (I like to offer something baked when we have guests) and picked up the house while it was baking. But I still stunk......

On our last farm visit I was telling my mother-in-law this story......about how I was embarrassed about the house and couldn't believe Matt would invite someone over so last minute, without warning, knowing how crazy my life is right now. She gave me another perspective.......she said that it was a compliment that Matt would bring home a guest. It showed he was confident that I would be welcoming and hospitable to his guest despite the lack of notice. She suggested that he will not remember what the house looked like, only the way we made him feel.

Something to think on for sure.

I'm STILL embarrassed about the way things were........but I need to get over it because when I think about it, I'm confident that Brett would gladly come over again for a quesadilla, some homemade banana bread, and some good company.

Here are some pics to enjoy........

Another Jay eating Ashlyn pic......

 Uncle Josh and Ashlyn.....

 Gracie bossing the babies.....

 He loves his sisters......

 Backyard carwash.....

 I love this one.....

 So fresh and so clean.....

Laundry basket=reading nook....

 "Look Mom, I'm thinking about First Grade".......

 Megamind......

 Jay.....

 They love to be outside.....

 Ashlyn makes this face all the time.....

 Water makes the backyard better....

 And yet another Jay eating Ashlyn pic......

A quick story....Gracie was given a Dora the Explorer book for her birthday and she brought it over to Matt to read it. He opened the book and read out loud, "Hola! Me llamo es Dora" and he slammed it shut, threw it on the ottoman and said, "They bought her the Spanish version!!"........I laughed.......we're clearly a little removed from television and pop culture over here.....

More on pop culture next time.....

Love.

Another school year begins.......without me

Pinterest is flooded with back to school ideas.....my teacher friends have been busy setting up their new classrooms.....and today Gage started school.....the last few weeks have made me a little sad.....another year out of the classroom.

Nine years ago (I'm suddenly feeling old again) I started my first year teaching at Hoover High School. I had just turned 23. HHS- Home of the Patriots. I also went to an HHS-Hilmar High School, home of the Yellowjackets. But these two places couldn't be more different. My high school was small town....country.....conservative......there was one and a half black kids at my high school. Hoover High on the other hand had a population half the size of the entire town I grew up in...... a city school.......with a minority population making up nearly 80% of the student body. From students to staff Hoover High had a lot to teach me that first year.  

The first day of school one of my all time favorite kids (though I didn't know it yet) raised her hand. I called on her and she asked me how she could learn more about the Gay and Lesbian Student Alliance.....(I thought, "We have a Gay and Lesbian Student Alliance?") and I realized that my new teaching job would extend far beyond teaching science and I was not in the little conservative small town I was raised in.

I knew nothing about the Gay and Lesbian Student Alliance but I assured her I would find out, and I did. That same girl and I keep up with one another on Facebook all these years later......she is still an advocate. That year was certainly a favorite and to think they are about the same age I was the year I was their teacher is so weird..... 

There were girls like Courtney, Sarah, and Samantha......that reminded me of myself and rolled their eyes at every stupid question the boys asked me......Patsy and Ashley who came in at lunch to hang out and make me laugh........Hunter, Peter, Jaron, and Jeremy-jocks in their jerseys every Friday......Tiffany and Sean (Chantel) that were so thoughtful and creative.

A story from that first year.........

It was 4th period-The kids were watching a movie and started to get a little off task. I said teasing to two boys, "Brandon, Peter-quit flirting and watch the movie".......there were a few giggles from the class and we continued the movie. The next day there was a note folded up on the keyboard at my desk (I thought I kept the note but I couldn't find it). There was more to the letter but it read something like this.....

I want you to know......you're my favorite teacher. That's why I was so upset yesterday when you made that joke during the movie. You know I get teased because people think I'm gay so you making a joke about it really hurt my feelings. Don't worry, I forgive you-and you're still my favorite teacher! Love, Brandon 

I cried. He was right-I KNEW kids teased him......I had blurted without thinking. There wasn't a day that passed the remainder of the school year that I didn't think about that. Recently I found Brandon on Facebook......and when he added me he sent a message that said, "I've been looking for you for years!!" And then he posted a picture of us......

That first year I made a lot of mistakes.....I gave kids hugs (as seen in the pic) and rides home.....and I just hoped that I wouldn't get in trouble. It's sad that my good intentions could have gotten me in trouble, but it's the truth.

Here's one that I found of us from the same day (Circa 2005, I think).

His shirt makes me laugh because I can totally remember Brandon wearing this shirt and because it illustrates that I've never been good with enforcing dress code.

My friend Chrissy writes a fantastic blog, Life with Greyson and Parker, and recently wrote referencing teachers, "You think about our children even outside of school".........and many have no idea how true that is......or how long it lasts. It's been nine years since I taught that group at Hoover High School yet I STILL think about them all the time. I wonder if Leslie is still goth....if Kataro lived up to what I thought was amazing potential.....if Patsy finished college.....if Jonathan and Georgina stayed in the states.....how Jeremy is doing in raising his little girl......and on and on......

I'm not sure that I'll ever go back to teaching. If I do, it won't be in the fantasy-land where my own kids go.....where there is no culture. Don't get me wrong-there are minorities at Gage's school-but there is just one culture.....where everybody has and nobody needs.

Anyway.....thank a teacher because it's true we think of your kids always. Search for one of your old ones on Facebook......you might be surprised to find that they've been wondering about you all this time.....

Love. 

July.....in a nutshell

I can't remember the last time I wrote a post so I'm going to just recap July as best I can. Sometimes I find it really difficult to document life when we're so busy living it.

The month was crazy and with any down time that came my way I tried to sleep. The twins have been undergoing an AWFUL sleep regression. Some nights I've been up one baby after another nearly every hour. As soon as I lay down after feeding one, the other wakes. Misery. Matt keeps telling me they're growing. They're awfully small for a two month long growth spurt.

For Gracie's birthday (July 2) we had some friends join us at the park for donuts to celebrate. It wasn't a a party but little play date for the big "2".

 I love this pic of the big kids hovering over her.....

 Carter came and wore himself out.....

 The big boys......Gage and Ty

 Rocco.....

 Ash lounging around......

 Jay.....

Harley LOVES Gracie......

 The day she turned TWO.....

 The big girls.....Bella and Harley.....

In other news Gracie decided to get back in her high chair. I don't know why....one day she just climbed back in........and I sighed with relief. I will survive.

Here she is with some coconut milk ice cream....

We took Gracie to the allergist and we'll find out in the next few weeks if she's outgrown her dairy allergy. In the mean time she's been busy putting words into sentences....."Mo ice keem peas"

I took the kids to the zoo. I took two pictures and only one showed we were at the zoo......

......so much for my attempts to preserve memories. We went with Danneal's family and Christina and Carter joined us too. Ty (11) and Paris (8) saved the day. Ty took Gage to the reptile house while we let the little ones feed the giraffes. Then Paris walked around watching Gracie and when Ashlyn started to get fussy Ty held her. I decided I need a Ty in my life.......and a Paris too.

We gave the twins their first food....oatmeal. It went okay. Jay loved it but he was so determined to get a hold of the spoon he ended up with oatmeal in his eye and it ended there. Ashlyn did really well. Here are some pics.......

We headed down to the farm for our nephew Heston's dedication and first birthday party.......

We stopped at Matt's work on our way down and the kids played for a few minutes....

At the farm I had time to sew Gracie a new dress and Gage had a blast with Katrina and John. They taught each other songs from VBS and performed a few shows for us. Pics from our trip......

Gracie in her new party dress......

 Gage hiding from pics as usual.....

 My big kids......

 Me and my big girl......

 She LOVED swinging.....

All of the grandchildren were there.....from back left-John, Debi, Dale, Katrina, Madeline, Heston, Ashlyn, Jay, David, Michael, Gracie, Gage, Lilly and Gabby (more arriving Fall 2013 and Spring 2014)

 Grandpa Dale with the twins....

 Our family......

 Me and my babies.....Jay's outfit is one of the few things I kept of Gage's (he wore it on his first Easter)

One of many performances......

Kalli and I caught this moment where they put their heads together......

 Their faces crack me up......

We had a great time celebrating Heston's dedication and 1st birthday......it wouldn't be a party at the farm without the checkered tablecloths.....

 The birthday boy mesmerized by Gage

Hopefully the month of August will allow more time for blogging. Here were some of my favorite Instagram pics from the month of July

Slide is faster without a diaper.....

 Jay always has his toes in his mouth.....

 Daddy's girl and Mama's boy......

 Shoveling ground beef.....in pearls

 He's ready to feed himself......

 Her faces.....

 Date day....sushi and Marble Slab after VBS

 They look so thoughtful.....

 He loves to hop in the shower with me....

 Precious girl.....

 He loves salmon......raw......all by itself

 Classic......

 This grin.....

 We love to lick the beaters.....

 Gage's birthday note for Gracie.....

 Best big brother......

 4th of July.....

 Gracie's birthday cake.....decorated by Gage

Made this knit headband and I can't decide if she looks like a 50's housewife with a scarf or a gangster......either way I like it

 He loves his babies.....

Till next time....

Love