Speaking kindly.....

It's been a long while since the last time I wrote a post. I wish I could carve out more time for it, I just haven't been able to. It's the same with sewing. I just can't. The twins are at a tough age right now for doing anything but pay attention to them. Jay is climbing the walls. Literally. He grabs onto the window sills and climbs the wall. When he's not climbing them-he's coloring on them. He's been found standing on the kitchen table, climbing the bookcase, jumping from the back of the couch. Needless to say, I can't focus long enough to pay a bill online, let alone write a post.

But right now they're napping. And this is important. So I'm here.

Last week my sister sent me the pics from my cousin Justin's wedding and I'm just getting a chance to go through them. Let me just share one right now because these two are gorgeous and I love them.

I could go on and on about how amazing the wedding was; it was perfect. But, as I went though the pics I was reminded what I loved the most from their wedding day. Justin and Kendyl wrote their own vows and they were some of the best I've heard. Both were very personal and important promises. As Justin read his promises to Kendyl, one stood out to me-"I promise to.....speak to you kindly......" my eyes welled up and eventually spilled over. Matt looked over at me, with my tears, and had a look of, "What are you crying for?" He didn't get it. That's because he always speaks kindly to me. But I know the weight of that promise. 

I know what it feels like to be spoken to in a way that is ugly and unkind. I know the heartache that can come from yelling, using insults, and being harsh. Thankfully, I also know what it's like to always be spoken to kindly. I know the security and safety Kendyl will feel as that promise is kept. 

There are countless articles out there about the reasons not to yell at your children (in a way that is harsh/hateful/unkind). One contributor to this article said, "If you yell at your child, you either create somebody who yells back at you or somebody who is shamed and retreats" followed by, "You're either growing aggression or growing shame". From my experience, it is the same with yelling at your spouse-you're either fueling aggression or fueling resentment. I remember throwing a cup against the wall in frustration during an argument. In that moment I realized that I was changing and every time I passed that little mark on the wall, I felt shame for who I was becoming. The little tiny inkling of aggression I have in me had been fueled for so long it was growing out of my control. The resentment was right there to match.

Just like there are times that we lose it and yell at our kids, there are times we lose it and yell at each other. But it is as important for me to speak kindly to my spouse as it is to speak kindly to my children. If it's not for you-consider it. Seriously. 

 

The toll of speaking in an uncaring and unkind way in a marriage is something I have wanted to write about for a long time. I'm grateful that I could bring up the topic from something positive. Justin, I am so proud of you for making such an important and beautiful promise. I pray that it would be fulfilled. 

I'm hoping to be back soon with pics of the kids and a catch up about the rest of our life. 

Love.

P.S. I've recently learned that a few of our friends have sought counseling for their marriage. I am so proud of you guys for seeking guidance before it became too ugly and before the resentment was beyond repair. Praying for God's blessings on your marriages.