Marriage Advice......from Noni

A few months before my cousin's wedding her best friend asked me to write my marriage advice for her. On one hand, because I have gone through a divorce, I hate giving marriage advice. On the other hand I think having a failed marriage makes my advice even better-I can advise one not to make the same mistakes I did. Upon writing my advice for her I decided to look back at the advice I was given when I got married. My great-grandmother....one of the inspirations for this blog (and the most recent twin in our family since mine) gave me the following advice:

1. A good marriage depends on two things-finding the right person and being the right person.
2. Don't expect life to be fair.
3. Save an evening a week for the two of you.
4. Be your mate's best friend.

I love this list for many reasons. The first is that she was well into her nineties when it was given so it was typed for her. Her signature is something I can visualize in my head from the cards she sent me as a child....her handwriting always looked painful to me.

As I wrote my advice for Valerie I thought about that first one......

"A good marriage depends on two things-finding the right person and being the right person"-any other advice is really useless if you don't find the right person. I would know. I remember my mother having the "sex talk" with me......about how promiscuity isn't becoming.....that our body isn't to be shared with just anyone......that saving myself for marriage isn't as realistic or easy as some make it seem.......so it might not happen-but it certainly needs to be saved for someone very special.....that it's one thing about ourselves that is ours alone and it should be cherished. My mom probably doesn't even remember that talk but I do. Someday I'll have that same kind of talk with Gracie and Ashlyn......but I'll have another one too.....about Noni's advice of finding the right person. That advice comes too late if you've already fallen in love and are planning a wedding. I will explain that red flags are there for a reason, that the right person will be a "nice guy", that everyone will like the right person......and what a blessing that I can tell my girls, "The right person will treat you the way dad treats me".

"Don't expect life to be fair"........pretty sure I was raised to know that life isn't fair and Matt was too. Everyone deals with life differently but we certainly don't keep score around here. I don't think about how many more diapers I change than Matt and he doesn't think about how much more he "works" than I do. We all do our part-I recognize that his job is stressful and he works very hard to provide for our family. He recognizes that staying home with the kids can be exhausting and that he would have no idea how to maintain our family without me. This is something that we've been really teaching Gage lately. You always do what's right even when it doesn't seem fair. Life isn't always fair-so don't bother keeping score-just do what's right.

"Save an evening a week for the two of you"......my great-grandparents had five daughters and I don't know if she gave this advice because they were able to do or something she wished they were able to do. Let's face it-Matt and I don't get much time to ourselves lately.....for a few reasons. One is the kids-when you're nursing it really is hard to get away from the babies. Yes, I can pump-but it's just not worth it sometimes. Another is that I simply don't ask for it.....right now the kids are pretty high on the priority list and we haven't made the effort to make time for ourselves. BUT-as part of my gift for Mother's Day Matt gave me one date night per month. He knows that I don't like to ask for things even as simple as date night-this way I won't have to feel guilty-it's a gift. We can go anywhere I want, anytime I want (around his work schedule).....it's not quite the once/week she suggested but it's a start. I used my first one yesterday. I decided on a day date instead and we went to Pismo's for lunch. We took our time.....we had cocktails.....and we enjoyed time by ourselves. I'm looking forward to the next one.

"Be your mate's best friend"-my great-grandmother was spending a quiet moment alone with my great-grandfather, Porgie, when he passed and she was overheard saying to him, "Goodbye old friend". Life is busy with four small children and sometimes I feel like Ashlyn is actually my best friend. She's a really good listener and she smiles at everything I say to her.

I think part of why time alone with Matt is important is so that we maintain a friendship within our marriage. My mom talks about how Porgie would bring Noni small gifts.....he would return from a hunting trip with a pretty piece of driftwood for the porch. Every Thursday after work Matt brings home a cinnamon crunch bagel for me to enjoy on Friday morning.....it's nothing big but it's special because he knows I love them and it brings just a little more joy to my Friday morning.

So there's some advice......from my Noni to you......

And here are some pics of Jay too.....he gets happier every day

Showing off his guns.....

I don't want you thinking it's all just pretty as a picture around here though.........

In the last post I mentioned Gracie taking off her diaper and how I decided I could let her go without it. I learned that I actually can't let her go without it-unless I'm willing to clean up poop. She pooped......kind of like a dog.....part of it was in front of the hall bath and another part of it in the entryway....like she was walking and going at the same time. It was awesome.

Until next time....

Love.

Home sweet home......

We traveled again last weekend....this time to San Luis Obispo for my cousin Valerie's wedding..... 

The wedding was perfect. It was in a little chapel at Camp San Luis......very sweet and a little old fashioned. I loved it. Gage and PJ carried a sign down the aisle that read, "Here comes the bride...." and the two flower girls (including Autumn) wore dresses that I made (pics to come). Growing up I spent a lot of time with that part of my family.....and I miss them.......

We had time to kill before the wedding so went to the SLO Children's Museum.......

Every picture of Gage has to be sneaky......

 Gracie liked it.....

We weren't allowed to bring in our stroller so Ashlyn stayed in her carrier.....

And Jay in his.....

I would go again.....the kids really enjoyed it

The day after the wedding was Mother's Day and though Matt offered to spend the day is SLO or Pismo or whatever I wanted-all I wanted to do was come home. It's so hard to travel with the kids right now. Even though we're quickly outgrowing our house-it certainly beats hours in the car and sleeping in a hotel room. That was the last trip we have planned for a while and despite the fact that it will be a billion degrees here all summer I'm glad we'll be home for a while. 

Yesterday (Friday) I took the day off. Moms really never get a day off so I still did all the things mothering requires of me. BUT-I didn't set any other goals for the day.....I didn't try to leave the house, I didn't try to sew, or pay bills, or file, or work on projects, or spend time with friends.....I have to say it was nice. I had Vons deliver my groceries-this service is amazing-it only requires a $50 minimum order and they have free delivery promo codes all the time. It's fabulous. Anyhow, after the traveling we've done the last couple weeks it was really nice to spend the day at home. Gage and I played Scrabble before the little ones woke up and I spent a lot of time just holding the babies. I had time to try a new recipe-Steakhouse Pizza by The Pioneer Woman. We liked it. I think I'll take a day off at least once a week. 

Today Amy came over to take some 3-month pictures of the twins. Ashlyn is almost always smiling......anytime someone talks to her she just lights up with excitement......not today. Not for picture day. She didn't get a good morning nap so she was pretty grouchy for the whole session. Jay was a little easier-he wasn't all smiles either but he wasn't nearly as fussy as his sister. I'm sure we got a few good ones in there somewhere and I can't wait to see them. 

Lately Gracie has been taking off her diaper.......constantly. I wasn't even considering potty training because I don't think she's ready and I don't like cleaning up accidents. But I figured I can't let her keep walking around without a diaper either. Since taking off the diaper is a sign of readiness and she's completely frightened of the toilet I bought a little potty......one that makes a pretty little princess sound when you "flush" it. She doesn't like that potty either.....she refuses to sit on it and begs for a diaper every time she has to go.  It's kind of a busy time right now as Gage wraps up the school year so I think I'll wait to train her until school's out. But if you come over and she's sans diaper just ignore her.....I decided that I actually can let her walk around without a diaper. That's the good thing about staying home. 

There's not much else in the news around here, Gage is wrapping up kindergarten, Gracie's taking off her diaper, and the twins have been busy getting their picture taken......can't wait to share the pics!

Love

 

Traveling.....

Last week we traveled to Monterey for a few days. Matt had a work function so we met him mid-week for a little getaway.....

The day before we left I took Gage to the library for a little while after school. We hadn't been in ages and I forgot how much we both love it there.

The back neighbors invited us to a BBQ at the neighborhood park the evening before we left. Matt was already gone. At first I thought, "There's no way we can make the park tonight-I haven't even started to pack". Then I realized that the cleaning lady had just come and going to the park was an opportunity for my house to stay clean just a few more hours......and Alyssa was at the house with the little ones.......if I had her stay to help me at least start packing up we could probably make the park, have dinner there, get back at bedtime and the house might actually stay clean. So while I fed the twins Alyssa helped Gage and Gracie get packed for the trip, then I packed up the stroller and took the kids to the park. Gracie was the hardest part.....Gage had friends and I didn't feel like I had to watch him every second but Gracie is stealth. One second she's there and the next she's gone. Luckily she found a spot on a blanket with some friends.......with a few Fritos she was content to stay there all evening.

The next morning Alyssa came back to help me pack up the car and get the big kids breakfast since I hoped to be on the road by 8:30am. See-I'm not supermom......if she hadn't been there to help we may have never left. As I fed the twins she was packing up our luggage into the car as I'd asked. When I walked out to the garage I realized I'd forgotten that we needed to pack the big stroller. Start over. We pulled everything out so the stroller could go in first and we packed again. Only 30 minutes late for our estimated departure time we pulled out.....that is REALLY good for me because I was always late BEFORE I had kids. I started a movie for Gage, Gracie was up early so I knew she'd fall asleep and the twins had full bellies. I took a deep breath, I was feeling good. As I drove down Friant my mind wandered, "......it's a challenge to pack for five people.....there's so much to remember......good thing I made that list....I would have totally forgotten my nursing pillow......I used to spend so much time making sure I had all MY stuff.......now I don't even worry about my clothes.......OH MY GOD I forgot my clothes!!" I had left behind my hanging clothes. I would have had nothing but pajamas and a pair of cropped jeans. Thankfully I was only five minutes from home so I turned back.

We were off again and the trip was rather smooth. No potty stops and no major crying. Success. We arrived at our hotel and as Matt unpacked I fed the babies. I was starving so we set out to Cannery Row for some lunch. We took out the big stroller, laid the twins down in it and put Gracie up front. We went to FishHopper to sit on the patio. I would never expect to take a stroller inside. So I asked the host, "May we sit outside on your patio with our stroller." His response- "I'm sorry ma'am, we have a strict no stroller policy". Okay. I go back outside to tell Matt and I see a corner table where we could just park the stroller next to us and it wouldn't technically be on their patio. Matt and I were very gracious in asking if we could sit there.....because I get it. I understand that a stroller takes up space and can be a burden.......but I was starving and I didn't want to have to go somewhere else and be told the same thing. They weren't happy about it and made it clear that they were making an exception but they did let us sit there. I didn't realize our family would be so hard to accommodate......

That night we had a dinner to attend and Matt's cousin April came to watch the kids in our room. Gracie was ROTTEN as we were getting ready. She hadn't had a nap and it was obvious she needed one. There was just nowhere for her to take one without the distraction of seeing us. At least one of the kids was crying the whole time we were trying to get ready. April arrived and I was feeling so bad for her. I told her-"I really have no expectations, Gracie is being awful, this room is tiny, and as long as they're all alive when we get back I'll be happy". I was dead serious. I didn't care what she fed them, whether or not their teeth got brushed, or if the room was in shambles when we returned. I told Matt I was afraid she wouldn't come back for the second night.  When we got back Gracie and the twins were asleep and she swore they were great. I just didn't realize how stuffed it would feel with all of us in one room.....

The next day we took the kids to the Boardwalk in Santa Cruz. It was......okay.  The thing is I don't want having kids to keep me from life and I don't want Gage to miss out because we have the little ones. So we went. I set my expectations pretty low and I wasn't disappointed! I didn't realize that until summer on weekdays half of the rides are closed. It was fine. Gage had fun. He was two inches short of being able to ride the Giant Dipper :(

Ashlyn and Jay ready for the Boardwalk...

Gage had this look the whole time he was on the swings.....he insisted he loved it but it certainly didn't look like it.......

Jay getting some sun......

Gracie being bi-polar......
She loves the boardwalk

 No she hates the boardwalk

 Gage being big.....

I took Gracie on the carousel. I strapped her to the horse and decided to stand beside her. Before the ride started Gage turned to me and said, "MOM!! Hold on to her!!' He was so concerned about her. I thought she would love it because she loves to ride her rocking horse and get thrown into the air. I was wrong. She hated it. She yelled at me the whole time.....I would say she cried but there were no tears-just screaming and yelling.

My family.....

 I love rides so I joined Gage for a few.......

Here's an overview-Jay cried most of the time-I finally just put him in the carrier and he was happy, Gracie was grouchy because she doesn't sleep well when we travel and the rides just weren't her thing, Ashlyn pretty much slept in the stroller the whole time, and Gage thought we ALL had a great time because he did.  That was all we'd hoped for.....that's why we went. Matt and I realized that we survived-nobody got in trouble, nobody got hurt, nobody got lost, and that's a success.

That night April returned and we enjoyed dinner at The Sardine Factory just the two of us. Matt ordered abalone. I thought it was odd because he'd never had it that I knew of. The server walked away and he said, "I hope I like it.....I hope I'm not allergic to it". He didn't like it. The good news was the rest of the meal was fabulous and he didn't HATE it. The kids were alive again when we returned thanks to April.

The next morning we went to MY Museum. I opted for this instead of the aquarium. If you've done the aquarium and not MY museum you should try it next time.

Gracie liked this.....

Gage liked this.....

This was another of Gracie's favorites.......a little coastal area with a slide and a boat

Gracie in a bubble......

 POP!!

Matt trying to coax Gracie out of the tunnel......

Someone has to man the stroller.....

 Most pictures of Gage are of the back of his head......he hates pictures.....

See.....

Jay and Ashlyn at MY Museum

Yesterday I got a sweet Facebook message from Danielle, another mama of four (youngest are boy/girl twins). It was a reminder that this time will just fly by.......that two to four is a big jump and managing a larger family is something we just have to learn......and that quality is more important than quantity.

Take the evening at the park for example. I wanted to take them all with me. I would have felt like some type of failure if I didn't.....as though I can't even manage all of my kids. But the fact is-since had all four.....I didn't PLAY with any of them. I was just trying to keep it together and make sure I didn't lose anyone. I need to get over myself and my pride......to accept that quality time with one or two of them is probably been better spent than trying to juggle them all. This is why Tuesday afternoons are now library days with Gage. Just the two of us. A sitter for all the littles. We can complete homework in peace and pick out some great reads as a reward. It's okay to leave the littles with the sitter. In fact, it's GOOD to leave them.

We're learning.......this trip taught me that no matter how small they are 6 bodies really is too many for a standard hotel room........that a family of six with three little ones can be really hard for a restaurant to accommodate......that babies and the Boardwalk don't mix......and that every time we take the kids we'll need a vacation from our vacation when we get home. Next time we line a sitter up for Sunday...and we're off to Vino for a glass of wine sans children.

That's the great thing about life-you can live and learn......

Love.

P. S. To all of you readers-thank you. Some of you have sent sweet messages to me and I want you to know that I'm so grateful for the kind words. I don't always take the time to respond because I'm afraid if I did-I wouldn't have time to write any posts! Thanks again, hope you enjoy watching us grow......