I'm still keeping them alive.....

Some days are just hard.....

Earlier this week I tried to be amazing. I wasn't. Alyssa wasn't here to help. I only had ONE errand that required me to leave the house-pick up the dry cleaning before Matt left town. I decided that I would go around the same time school gets out so I could pick up the kids and Mandy wouldn't have to. For anyone unaware of how this works-school pick up is really obnoxious for someone like me. In order to pick up the kindergarten kids you have to go up to the classroom so that the teacher can dismiss your child to you. I decide to go early to make sure I'd have a spot up front because there was no way I could get all three little ones out of the care without my stroller. I hoped to park where Gage's teacher could see me if I just stood outside of my car. Thirty minutes wasn't early enough so I found a mediocre spot and parked. Some parents camp out there I guess. Just as I put the car in park Jay started screaming.....I listened for a few minutes then I got him out of his car seat. Within two minutes Ashlyn was crying.....and since I decided to arrive early for that prime parking spot, we still had twenty minutes before the kids would even be dismissed. I decided to get out and try to give Ashlyn her pacifier while I held Jay.....a few minutes later and I was sweating because it was so hot outside. I decided to go ahead and leave my car running and just walk about 20 feet from the car so Gage's teacher could see me. As I walked away I heard Gracie start crying-afraid I'm leaving her. Awesome. Now all three of them were crying........

With the help of another blessed parent I finally get all the kids (Gage and the back neighbors) into the car. Then some guy......all by himself.....was parked illegally behind me while he waited for his sixth grader to get in the car. Grr......

This is why my back neighbors do this job for me. God bless them. Just picking up my kid from school is hard.

And then Gracie has been doing a lot of this......

I guess this is the onset of terrible twos.......or something. Whatever it is it's messy......and hard.

We're coming up on a trip for Matt's work at which I have to wear a dress. So all week I've been trying to find time to shop for one. Unsuccessfully. It's looking like I'm going to have to squeeze into something I already have. Grr......finding time to shop can be hard.

Matt is out of town for work and last night I was SO tempted to not make dinner. I was tempted to just scrounge something like sandwiches for the kids and clean the house while they sat down to eat. Everyone has things that they feel are important......dinner as a family is one of mine. So even though Matt was gone I grilled some chicken and whipped up chicken tacos. Instead of cleaning the house and doing laundry I sat down at the table with the kids. We did the same things we do when he's home-we said a prayer, talked about the day, and I reminded them about table manners.

Gage talks......a lot. Sometimes I love it because he's really funny.......but sometimes it drives me bananas. Sometimes I want to just scream "SHUUUUT UP!!!" A couple of weeks ago I started to lose it. It was a weekend and all morning he was talking. I couldn't get anything done-I couldn't get just five minutes of peace to get my grocery list done. I sent him outside to play and I started to cry. Matt had been working outside and he came in to find me feeding the twins and crying. He told me to take some time to myself.......to go for a walk, or go to the gym, or go do whatever I needed to do. I was torn.....I wanted to go to the gym......I wanted to just be alone with my iTunes........

But I couldn't. I asked Matt to get my beach cruiser down. I told Gage to get a couple of books to put in his backpack. I needed time alone with him. I've heard people talk about the importance of spending one-on-one time with their kids.....so they don't feel left out. Honestly-I don't buy into that kind of stuff. I go with my parenting gut and it had never told me to specifically carve out one-on-one time. But my gut told me this time that I needed time alone with him. I used to LOVE reading to him.....but lately, by the time we get settled and ready for books before bed-I am SO tired. I still go through the motion of reading, but I wouldn't say I've been loving it. And lately he's been choosing Ninjago books-they are AWFUL. Anyway, we set upon our bike ride and Gage began talking.......he did not stop for twenty minutes straight. He was talking about a movie he'd watched on the iPad at his dad's and finally he turned to me and asked, "What was your favorite movie when you were a kid?" The best part about it was that it didn't bother me....that time was devoted to him so if he wanted to talk my ear off-so be it. We got to Yogurtville and served ourselves some frozen yogurt. We sat outside and he pulled out his book choices-I Need My Monster and How to Become a Pirate. Thank God it wasn't Ninjago. I read the books slowly and deliberately. I loved it. I enjoyed him. We needed that.

If you are a mom and you have never read this article, "Don't Carpe Diem" on Momastery, it's awesome. I love being a mama but sometimes it's just hard. Not every moment is lovable. This is my favorite part....

"My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure.  I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

 “It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add- “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.” 

Some days are hard.....but each of my babies are precious and I love them so......

Love

6 days of posting in one.....talk about random

Yesterday (okay, it wasn't yesterday-it was LAST Wednesday but it was "yesterday" when I started this post- I'm just getting around to finishing) I met my girl friend Christina and her son Carter for lunch and a little playtime in River Park. I was going to just take Gracie so I could have a little one-on-one time with her. Long story short I had an appointment in the morning that I couldn't take any kids to and Gage had a birthday party at Skywalk in the afternoon. I opted to have my sitter for those two and I just took the twins with me for lunch. It was rather ridiculous. I was trying to push the tandem snap-and-go stroller which turns terribly and hold Gracie on my hip at the same time because she's not a good hand-holder. I made it into Panera okay......then Ashlyn started to fuss so I took her out of the stroller......then Jay started to fuss so I passed Ashlyn off to Christina and then I held him. Thank God Gracie and Carter were both being good so we all enjoyed a nice lunch. But I realized that it was pretty tough. Not so tough that I wouldn't do it again.....I just might do it differently. Maybe one baby in the carrier......maybe my other stroller.....I don't know. It made me REALLY glad that I have Alyssa to come help me when I need to run errands.

Regardless, I'm glad I had a chance to catch up with Christina because it had been a while! Carter and Gracie were adorable running, climbing, crawling and sliding through the play area in front of Edwards Theater. Christina kindly helped me get in a little stop at See's Candies and into my car after a nice lunch and a little play time for the kids. She was also able to see first hand how the twins can draw attention.....

I often get asked, "How are you going to pay to put them all through college?" I wish I had some brazen remark but I'm just not like that so I never say anything-I just smile instead. It's another one of those questions with an assumption. The answer is we don't know......we might not. A teacher by profession I obviously value education. We hope all of our children will be college graduates........but are we planning our family based on how we'll afford to put them through college? No. I ran across this article shared by my friend......and by friend I mean Facebook friend-I've never actually met her. She's the wife of Garth (Matt's best friend from Stanford) and through Facebook I've come to love their family. It was interesting to me. Anyway.....mothers without a high school diploma have the highest fertility rate.....we're just doing our part to close the gap. I should tell those people-don't worry about how we'll pay for their education-just be grateful you won't have to.

-------------------------

Sometimes I have a hard time not working. I feel like I'm not making my contribution to society, especially since having the twins and practically never leaving the house.....I'm not teaching, I'm not serving at our church......I'm not.......helping. Matt has reminded me often that I AM helping by focusing on raising our children to contribute and serve others. When I was teaching I felt my service was obvious......I at least thought it was. From former students I know that I conveyed love and encouragement. I don't know if they learned anything scientific or not, but they at least had someone that cared for them and gave an honest answer to any question they asked. I really did feel like I was making a difference, and that I was serving God by loving those kids.

They loved me back....

Service isn't always so obvious. I rave about my back neighbors all the time. Some of our best friends live in our neighborhood but those back neighbors have been the biggest blessing of all. Around the last month of my pregnancy they started offering to take Gage to/from school for me. As delivery day got closer Mandy said, "Dusty-I am picking Gage up EVERY day for school-no if, ands, or buts. I've got him and if there are days I can't take him I will let you know. Otherwise you know-we've got him." I have written thank you notes and made cookies. I've offered gas money and whenever life allows I take them to school so she doesn't have to. But really nothing can describe what a blessing that has been for our family. In my five minutes alone in the shower I was thinking about their service to our family. It is such a blessing.....and it's not so obvious but by helping our family they are serving God.

I've got to remember that service isn't always as obvious as teaching or volunteering at church. Right now my service is more like wiping butts, reviewing sight words, teaching consequences.....all in attempt to raise children that exhibit the fruits of the the spirit.

The greatest of these is love...

They are getting so big......

This I will treasure....

I love this. This is the first family picture Gage has drawn since the twins were born. He described it to me, "Mom you're dancing, Dad is wearing a hat, I'm saying I love you, Gracie's wearing a dress, Jay is saying Waaah, Ashlyn is saying Naaah......and she has a triangle-shaped head". It's true-Jay and Ashlyn have different cries and Gage can recognize them.......and Ashlyn is growing out of her triangle-shaped head but for a few weeks we were all calling her Megamind. It's okay-she get it from her mama. Gotta love his honesty, and the high heels he's got me wearing.......

Love

So what if I do.......

We have four kids. Three of them are under two. We sometimes look like a circus......

Every day someone asks, "So you're done, right?"

I hate that question. It's not even a question.......it's an assumption.

Here's the thing-I have NO idea if we're done having kids or not. We might be done.....but we might not. When people assume we're done with the "So you're done, right?" question and I answer "I'm not sure" I get gasps and "Oh my God-you guys are CRAZY!!" in response.

We're coming up on an event for Matt's work that will be held in Monterey.......I was reminiscing about the event last year. It was the same trip last year that I got a call. My friends Danneal and Josh were having baby number four. For quite some time they thought they were done at three but they'd decided to have ONE more. I was sitting at the wharf in Monterey with the kids when she called. Gage, Gracie and I were eating lunch at a restaurant and my hands were full-I didn't answer. She called again. I didn't answer. She called from Josh's phone and I figured if she was calling three times it must be important so I answered. She'd had her ultrasound that morning and she said, "What's the worst possible news?" In my head I was thinking "miscarriage" but I couldn't believe that would be her delivery of such news. Instead-she said, "TWINS". I almost died. I couldn't believe she was having twins. I just kept thinking FIVE kids.....she's going to have FIVE kids......

Fast forward about three months. We go in for our ultrasound and learn WE'RE having twins. Danneal immediately came to mind. I mean, I couldn't be having twins-I already HAVE a friend having twins. It was early, I was probably 10 weeks. Matt and I were in shock-we hadn't even told our family we were expecting and now we were going to announce it would be twins. I didn't know what the risk of "vanishing twin" was so I wasn't sure when we would be safe to make the announcement. I knew Danneal would know so I text her, "When does the risk of vanishing twin disappear?" She replied, "Why are you having twins?" I wasn't expecting that reply and I'm a terrible liar-even in text.......so I said yes. Pretty sure her response was, "You're #*$% kidding me".

Fast forward a few more months and Danneal delivers her identical twin girls, Charlotte and Penelope. Danneal has difficult pregnancies.....from bed rest to babies in the NICU-the whole thing is challenging. Aside from that-we have a lot in common-similar parenting styles and values, cooking, sewing, photography.........and now we're both the parents of twins. One of the major differences in our lives is that she is a working mom and I stay home. Danneal is a nurse and her husband is a cop. They knew from the time they got pregnant with the twins that they would be done growing their family.

Last week we were having a long talk about sewing.....Mother's Day.....breastfeeding....all kinds of things. During that conversation she said something that stuck out to me........she said that if she didn't have to work and could stay home with her children and if her pregnancies weren't so difficult she would really consider having another. So...........what I gathered from that is that if she were me-she would really consider having another.

So maybe I'm not that crazy.

Or maybe we're just BOTH crazy.

We both get called "superwoman" and "supermom" all the time......and we don't feel like we're doing anything that amazing. Most often, this compliment comes from mothers who also say things like "I can't even get to the store with ONE child let alone four!" and "I can't believe you're nursing TWINS, I was overwhelmed with just one baby". To all of you that feel that way-you would be the same supermom if you were in our shoes. We're just doing what we have to do to maintain our families. I remember taking Gage shopping with me when he was little. He would look at himself in the mirror at Anthropologie eating his puffs. I'm pretty sure I thought that was hard. I probably wished I could be out shopping alone.....that I didn't have to rush home for nap time. So I get it......I get that it can be challenging to have even one child and that I look like supermom with my four-three of them still tiny......

It's just like when Danneal told me they were expecting twins-and I kept thinking, "FIVE kids......she's going to have FIVE kids".......Now I'm over here considering it myself!!

But honestly........

how could I not when I look at this every day.....

Love

Kids, kids, kids......did you know I have a husband too?

Lately I've been feeling......old. I remember turning 25....I don't remember what I did or anything I just remember one of my best friends (who has a birthday about 2 months after mine) asking how bad it was....you know, if I felt old. The answer was no, not really. If anything made me feel older at 25 it was the fact that I was becoming a mother. But after having him I still felt young and I looked young.......see......

2006

And after having him I was quickly back in shape. I had six pack abs. I never wore make-up. Ever. And still felt like I looked pretty good. I had time to get my nails done......get a pedicure.....and get my hair did. 

Lately-I'm feeling....old....and less than attractive. My belly isn't going back down quite as quickly this time and the skin is frighteningly saggy around my belly button. I've got stretch marks. My butt feels saggy. I feel the need to put on a little make-up. Still wearing maternity and my signature gym clothes. I CAN put on my pre-pregnancy jeans-but not without one of the worst muffin-tops you've ever seen. My face is breaking out and 1-there's nothing I can take for it while breastfeeding and 2-putting on makeup for the sake of covering things up isn't something I'm trained in. I keep having flare-ups of PUPPP which gives me these red itchy hives that look disgusting......... 

I can relate to this post at Life with Greyson and Parker, which includes this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

What is REAL? asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle? 

Real isn't how you are made, said the Skin Horse. It's a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

Does it hurt? asked the Rabbit.

Sometimes, said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.

Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, he asked, or bit by bit?

It doesn't happen all at once, said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand...once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.

It makes me think of Matt.......he loves me Real......he even loves me till I hurt as the Skin Horse mentions. He loves me till I hurt with guilt because I can't give to him as much as he gives to me.....

When you have tiny babies, especially two of them......or even three of them for me, when I consider Gracie-it's hard to make time for anything else. Time is limited so when I have the choice of putting on make up or brushing my teeth-I choose hygiene every time. Or sometimes I have to choose between feeding the twins or getting dressed for the day-and I choose them every time. I used to get up and make Matt breakfast every morning. Now, every once in a while, I will make a batch of breakfast burritos and stick them in the freezer for him to heat up in the morning. That's if he's lucky. For some people it doesn't seem like a big deal that I don't make his breakfast......but it is a big deal-and it makes me feel guilty because I know he'd make mine. 

He never wants me to feel bad. He's going to feel bad when he reads this and realizes that I feel bad. Earlier this week I tried a new recipe-Pioneer Woman's Grilled Chicken and Pineapple Quesadillas seen here. The recipe was described as spicy and Matt likes spicy so I was trying to do something new for him. I started by getting everything cut up, skewered, prepared and ready for the grill. Then I stopped to feed the babies so they wouldn't cry while we were eating or during my preparation. They cried anyway. They may have been fed but they wanted to be held. I can hold them both at once-but I can't hold them both at once and put the food on the grill.......at least not without potentially charring a toe. But they were fed and changed Gracie and I were starving so I let them cry while I got things on the grill. 

Matt walked in from work and not only were both of the babies crying but Gracie was now crying too-she saw chocolate on the counter and we wouldn't let her have it. More on this phase of hers in another post. Anyway, I was in and out of the kitchen/backyard getting dinner grilled. Matt picked up the twins and tried to comfort Gracie as I continued with dinner. We finally sat down for dinner Matt took his first bite.........and he nearly choked. "You didn't take the seeds out of the jalapenos?!?" he asked.....I started to cry. That's just what I do. It's not that I expected everything to be perfect but I was hoping that he would come home to a quiet house with a decent dinner. Fail. 

Of course Matt said that dinner was great, he just wasn't expecting the heat. He told me he loved it and that if I had just used a few less jalapenos it would have been perfect. Side note: If you consider making the recipe-just follow hers, I used more jalapenos because I was cutting the recipe in half but didn't half the jalapenos cause I thought he'd like the heat. Anyway, as usual, he assured me that everything was fine......that he understands sometimes the kids are going to be fussy.......and that I'm still going to be wearing the sweaty clothes from my walk....and that I may or may not have showered that day.......and that dinner won't always be fantastic......and that even though I look a mess I'm still beautiful to him when he sees me with our children.

Our family 2010

Our family 2013

We're really good at growing a family......

He's not perfect, but I couldn't ask for anything more. He works long days to care for our family. He changes diapers and holds babies when he gets home. He reads to the kids. He makes sure that I feel loved. He reminds me that there are always worse things and makes me laugh when I cry. 

I obviously blog a lot about my kids but they aren't my whole world, they are part of it. Being a mom takes up most of my time but I can't forget that I am a wife first. We've got a date night planned for this weekend.....and I'm going to try my best to get myself put together and get the kids all set up for us to leave. The good news is that if I don't-it's going to be okay, because Matt loves me Real and this is just our real life......

Love

Farm visit for Easter......

The kids and I left for the farm last Wednesday. Easter made a perfect time to take the twins down for their first farm visit. Matt met us there Friday after work. I decided to take the kids down early because I needed a change of scenery.......

The ride down was great-it was Gage's first time watching a movie in the car, Gracie slept most of the way and watched the movie and snacked when she wasn't sleeping, and the twins slept the whole way there.....

My rear view

When I just had Gage it was REALLY easy to get out of the house; we did everything together. If I needed a few groceries I threw Gage in the wagon and we walked to the store.....we went to the park easily 5 days a week.....we went to the zoo all the time.....beach trip-no problem. The same was true when I had Gracie. It was so simple to take Gage to the park and have Gracie in the stroller or just hold her or put her in the swing while Gage went off to ride his bike. Many of my friends are single moms and moms of singles. I see their pictures from the zoo or the park or out for a walk.....I wouldn't say I'm envious-but I wish it was that easy to get out of the house. It's not that I CAN'T get out of the house.....it's just that sometimes it's not worth the effort. By the time I get all packed up and everyone ready-it's practically time to get back home. So.....I've spent a lot more time just hanging out at the house and that's just not me. I knew heading down to the farm would at least give me a change of scenery and I'd be able to visit with Kalli and Kristi and have some help from my mother in law.

I wouldn't say the trip was entirely relaxing. One day was the shits.....literally. Jay cried for five hours with just a little twenty minute snooze. Just as I finally laid him down for that twenty minutes-Ashlyn started to fuss......I moved the blanket to pick her up and she was covered in poop. She hadn't gone for a week but she certainly made up for it. There was no white left of her diaper. None. By the time I got her undressed she had poop from the top of her head to the tips of her toes. Jay slept just long enough for me to get her cleaned up though. Then as he got worked up again I decided to take him into a warm bath with me. Problem solved-he was good the rest of the night......but that was a long day for this mama.

My mother-in-law insisted that I relax so I didn't spend any time doing dishes or helping prepare meals as I usually would. It was nice to just sit and hold my babies for no reason.....not to feed them and not because they were crying but just to hold them. When I'm home it's hard to just sit and hold them-there's always something calling my name......a load of laundry.....some dirty dishes.....a meal to prepare. There was a full two hours that I just sat and held Jay while visiting with Kalli.....it was great because that's time that I don't get here at home.

Here are some pics from our trip.....

Playing on the tennis court

 Gracie wasn't quite big enough to reach the pedals.....but when she is-watch out!!

Our nephew Heston

Our family Easter eggs

Learning to feed a calf with Grandpa Dale

Auntie Kalli making Gracie grin

Making rice crispy eggs with Auntie Kalli

Hunting for eggs  with Grandpa....

The Creighton Family (Tom, Heston, Kristi, Dusty, Matt, Dale, Gracie, Debi, Sandy, Jack, Kalli, Lilly, Kandi, Baby Bigler in the belly, Gordon, in front-Grandma Winnie, Aunt Kathleen, Gabby, and Gage) The twins were sleeping

Sunrise service

Jay napping after sunrise service

Ashlyn napping after sunrise service.....what a sweet little smile I caught

Our family at sunrise service......Gage's pose is a little weird and Gracie isn't looking but hey, this is what our family looked like at 6:30am and I think we did pretty darn good!!

I wish I could say that I came home from the farm feeling rejuvenated and restored........but I don't think I'm going to feel that way for a while. It was a great trip though. I got to hold the babies just to love on them. I got to see Gracie's independence as she explored Grandma and Grandpa's massive yard. I got to see Gage learn to feed a calf and take his little sister for wagon rides. I got to visit with family. Thanks to my mother in law I even got to go for a walk all by myself. Sounds pretty good to me......

Love