Kids, kids, kids......did you know I have a husband too?

Lately I've been feeling......old. I remember turning 25....I don't remember what I did or anything I just remember one of my best friends (who has a birthday about 2 months after mine) asking how bad it was....you know, if I felt old. The answer was no, not really. If anything made me feel older at 25 it was the fact that I was becoming a mother. But after having him I still felt young and I looked young.......see......

2006

And after having him I was quickly back in shape. I had six pack abs. I never wore make-up. Ever. And still felt like I looked pretty good. I had time to get my nails done......get a pedicure.....and get my hair did. 

Lately-I'm feeling....old....and less than attractive. My belly isn't going back down quite as quickly this time and the skin is frighteningly saggy around my belly button. I've got stretch marks. My butt feels saggy. I feel the need to put on a little make-up. Still wearing maternity and my signature gym clothes. I CAN put on my pre-pregnancy jeans-but not without one of the worst muffin-tops you've ever seen. My face is breaking out and 1-there's nothing I can take for it while breastfeeding and 2-putting on makeup for the sake of covering things up isn't something I'm trained in. I keep having flare-ups of PUPPP which gives me these red itchy hives that look disgusting......... 

I can relate to this post at Life with Greyson and Parker, which includes this quote from The Velveteen Rabbit:

What is REAL? asked the Velveteen Rabbit one day... Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle? 

Real isn't how you are made, said the Skin Horse. It's a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

Does it hurt? asked the Rabbit.

Sometimes, said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.

Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, he asked, or bit by bit?

It doesn't happen all at once, said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand...once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.

It makes me think of Matt.......he loves me Real......he even loves me till I hurt as the Skin Horse mentions. He loves me till I hurt with guilt because I can't give to him as much as he gives to me.....

When you have tiny babies, especially two of them......or even three of them for me, when I consider Gracie-it's hard to make time for anything else. Time is limited so when I have the choice of putting on make up or brushing my teeth-I choose hygiene every time. Or sometimes I have to choose between feeding the twins or getting dressed for the day-and I choose them every time. I used to get up and make Matt breakfast every morning. Now, every once in a while, I will make a batch of breakfast burritos and stick them in the freezer for him to heat up in the morning. That's if he's lucky. For some people it doesn't seem like a big deal that I don't make his breakfast......but it is a big deal-and it makes me feel guilty because I know he'd make mine. 

He never wants me to feel bad. He's going to feel bad when he reads this and realizes that I feel bad. Earlier this week I tried a new recipe-Pioneer Woman's Grilled Chicken and Pineapple Quesadillas seen here. The recipe was described as spicy and Matt likes spicy so I was trying to do something new for him. I started by getting everything cut up, skewered, prepared and ready for the grill. Then I stopped to feed the babies so they wouldn't cry while we were eating or during my preparation. They cried anyway. They may have been fed but they wanted to be held. I can hold them both at once-but I can't hold them both at once and put the food on the grill.......at least not without potentially charring a toe. But they were fed and changed Gracie and I were starving so I let them cry while I got things on the grill. 

Matt walked in from work and not only were both of the babies crying but Gracie was now crying too-she saw chocolate on the counter and we wouldn't let her have it. More on this phase of hers in another post. Anyway, I was in and out of the kitchen/backyard getting dinner grilled. Matt picked up the twins and tried to comfort Gracie as I continued with dinner. We finally sat down for dinner Matt took his first bite.........and he nearly choked. "You didn't take the seeds out of the jalapenos?!?" he asked.....I started to cry. That's just what I do. It's not that I expected everything to be perfect but I was hoping that he would come home to a quiet house with a decent dinner. Fail. 

Of course Matt said that dinner was great, he just wasn't expecting the heat. He told me he loved it and that if I had just used a few less jalapenos it would have been perfect. Side note: If you consider making the recipe-just follow hers, I used more jalapenos because I was cutting the recipe in half but didn't half the jalapenos cause I thought he'd like the heat. Anyway, as usual, he assured me that everything was fine......that he understands sometimes the kids are going to be fussy.......and that I'm still going to be wearing the sweaty clothes from my walk....and that I may or may not have showered that day.......and that dinner won't always be fantastic......and that even though I look a mess I'm still beautiful to him when he sees me with our children.

Our family 2010

Our family 2013

We're really good at growing a family......

He's not perfect, but I couldn't ask for anything more. He works long days to care for our family. He changes diapers and holds babies when he gets home. He reads to the kids. He makes sure that I feel loved. He reminds me that there are always worse things and makes me laugh when I cry. 

I obviously blog a lot about my kids but they aren't my whole world, they are part of it. Being a mom takes up most of my time but I can't forget that I am a wife first. We've got a date night planned for this weekend.....and I'm going to try my best to get myself put together and get the kids all set up for us to leave. The good news is that if I don't-it's going to be okay, because Matt loves me Real and this is just our real life......

Love