An update on clogged toilets and clean slates......

I'm gonna get to an update but I first want to clarify something about the original post. In that post I linked to the article, "To Build or Break a Child's Spirit". It's from Hands Free Mama; I don't follow that blog I just happened to catch the link on Facebook. I laughed because more than one friend called to let me know that post is bull$%#^. "Everyone goes ape$%&^ sometimes" and "If your kid is being gross, then you should tell them they're being gross".  I laughed because honestly, sitting here right now, I can't really remember anything specific that the blog even said. In fact, I think I actually deserved to lose my mind because it was that kind of day. What I do remember about the post is that I was hearing my teacher voice-positive, encouraging, certain. And that it felt like it had been a long time since I'd used it. I felt like nearly everything I've said to Gage for months was out of frustration and exhaustion. That's what made my heart sink. I came to the conclusion that by the time he gets home from school I've spent all day with three under three and I'm already hanging by a thread. He rarely gets a fresh mama. I realized that it's been a long time since I've really enjoyed time with him. Too often I tell Gage, "Gage-you are my ONLY child that can take care of yourself. I need you to do it!" It's not fair to always do that to him.

So, last weekend we had some time together-just us. We went to Professor Toy because he's had a gift card for a while from his Aunt Sam and we haven't had a chance to go. He picked out a bow & arrow and an ax that he's been using all week to chop up my Styrofoam tea cups. We went to Jamba Juice for their BOGO sale. We talked about how his attitude has been negative. He agreed that he needs to be helpful without complaining. He agreed that we needed a plan so that when I say, "Gage, take the garbage out" and I come back to find it hasn't been done he already knows the consequence. Because honestly, I'm too distracted to notice sometimes that things aren't getting done. Then I'm too tired to think of a good consequence; I'm just mad that it didn't get done, and out of frustration and exhaustion I overreact. We came up with some consequences together-no treat after dinner, early bedtime, loss of privileges (no tablet, no tv, no friend time), and he had an idea that if he was really bad I could make him stay outside all day and he would have to use his new bow & arrow to hunt for his lunch. Might be a little challenging with a suction cup arrow but I may reach the point to actually try it, I'll keep you posted.

I've haven't made it a point to spend one-on-one time with him. I've always felt like that would just come naturally. I don't even think that every child necessarily needs that. Gage does. Or I do. At least one of us does. And it's not coming as naturally as I'd like. The fact is he's a high maintenance kid and I enjoy him more when I have him alone. Earlier this week he let me know that sometimes he doesn't feel like he belongs in our family. He's the only one that has a different last name, he's the only one that has another dad, he's the only one that lives in another house sometimes. I've always kind of discounted the fact that Gage has divorced parents. It's just something I never think about anymore. Since he was under a year old when the separation occurred, I've just always thought he wouldn't really know any different and it wouldn't be as emotionally taxing as my parents divorce. I've realized that just because it's all he's ever known doesn't mean he won't have struggles. Now that I think about how insightful he is, I'm surprised this hasn't really come up before. I mean, he's asked why we got a divorce, but he's never really mentioned how it influences him. The fact is, he IS different in our family and it goes beyond the results of a divorce. He's also the only one that goes to school, the only one that has chores around the house, and as I often point out-the only one that can actually take care of himself!

Maybe he needs a little extra something right now. I have a great babysitter and it's gotten a lot easier to leave the little ones. Maybe I need to take some time this summer to let him be a big kid, to do some things together that we can't do when we have the babies. Easier said than done but I'll be making a concerted effort. Sometimes it's hard because I feel like his life is so much fuller than mine was as a child and he doesn't need anything more than he already has. But I realize that some of Gage's favorite things to do are go to the Nature Conservatory or walk the trail-we don't have to go big........though Matty hates roller-coasters and Gage and I both love them......there could be a Six Flags day in our future.

Here we are at the Mother Son Sports Night at Fugman. I wish I could say that it was a great time to spend together but he ran around with friends the whole time while I visited with other moms. At least we got a pic together (even if it started with a "Do we really have to take a picture?").

When I think about little Gage I remember how funny he was to me. He's always been a talker. It didn't bother me that he asked a million questions, I thought it was wonderful how inquisitive he was. When we went to the toy store together I got to notice those things about him without the exhaustion and thinking, "Not another question Gage....." I just answered them. And while we were there he pointed out toys that he thought Gracie would like for her birthday, because he's a good brother.

For the friends and family that have talked at length with me on this-thank you. Encouragement is important for mamas too.

Love

Learning to say "I love that"

Signs, signs, everywhere signs......

#$%&-in' up the scenery, breaking my mind, do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign.....

Tesla? Anyone? Maybe I needed to put the f-word, I just couldn't

Anyway, lately I've been seeing signs again and again. It's now been a few months ago but I was having lunch with my friend Jenny. When I told her what our friend Ally was naming her baby (Hilton) she replied, "I love that. Tell her I love it! But I love everything. And every name." And I just thought, "I wish I felt that way........" I hate every name. It takes me days after birth to name my babies, and even then I don't love their name.

Then a couple of weeks ago I saw a pin that said, "Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest." I wish I could give credit but the pin didn't say and I don't have time to Google it. Anyway, for me it was another sign.......

For anyone who doesn't know we bought a lot several months ago and we are in the process of building a house. Process. We haven't even broken ground. It will happen. As we have started to go through ideas and make decisions about things I have found myself thinking, "Ugh, I hate that kind of tile. I hate that color. I hate that style......" I pretty much say that about everything that isn't EXACTLY what I want. Now that the process has started I've realized much of what I love could be out of our budget-so I better learn to love more things!! It's one of many reasons those signs of happiness have spoken to me. It's just an opinion, but I think it could be like research that says smiling can make you feel more positive. Telling myself I love more things might actually make me feel better about them!

So I'm working on it, not just with the house, but in general.

The kids have all been pretty hilarious lately. Ash is already antagonistic.....I can't believe that's already happening. I thought I had a few more years. She'll put her foot on Gracie's beloved blanket and Gracie will whine, "No Ash, that's MY blankie!!" Ash laughs and seconds later she's got her foot on there again, poised to start giggling when Gracie gets upset. They're sharing a room in the new house. This should be an awesome 15-20 years.

Oh Baby Jay.......he's into everything. He does things like climb over the back of the couch and go down the slide head-first. He also does things like eat toilet paper that he dipped in the toilet water.

 This is why he's pigpen.....

He's the "all-boy" people speak of. He's also a crack-up. He wasn't the happiest infant but he has turned out to be the happiest little guy. All you have to do is talk to him to get a smile.

And Ash....

She looks like she belongs in some other family but she's ours. When she's feeling down she's daddy's girl all the way. Gracie wanted NOTHING to do with Matt until she was a year old. But this one, she's always loved him.

And Gracie girl.....

She paints in her underwear. She's artsy, what can I say.

She loves her babies. She's got a mother's heart for sure. 

Just today I went to get her out of her car seat....her hair was sweaty and matted against her face and I just couldn't believe she was mine. Even with her sweaty head she looked like a little doll. We had gone through the car wash and she covered her face with her blankie so she wouldn't be afraid. I'm sure she sucked her thumb while she was at it. I didn't care, it was the first time we've gone through without her in hysterics.

And Gage.....

Gage?

He's seven and a half, and way too cool for pictures. WAY too cool.

Every once in a while I'm able to snap one or two....

 See how cool he is? Ha

Here is being a great big brother. Sometimes he thinks he's her parent and I have to remind him he's not. As much as I could let it annoy me I'm learning to say, "I love that". I love that he loves her.

Until next time.....

Love.

Everything. I love everything.

Clogged toilets and clean slates

If you know Gage-you aren't to mention this to him. I think that will be obvious, but you never know......

Gage clogs the toilet fairly frequently. It's a love/hate thing for me. I love that he makes sure he got it all, but I hate that he uses too much toilet paper and clogs it. Earlier this week he left for school without telling me it was clogged. Several hours later I went into his bathroom and it smelled AWFUL. Like poop. Like poop that had been sitting in the toilet of a tiny room for hours.

This was part of our conversation that day:

Gage: Why do I have to keep my bathroom clean? No one ever goes in there, no one ever sees it but me.
Me: Because you need to keep things clean, Gage. That's like asking "Why do I need to wash my butt? No one ever sees it but me"
Gage: Yeah.....that's what I'm saying, why do we?

That was a real conversation. Promise. I wanted to die. It begged the question, "So when was the last time you washed your butt with soap?" but I couldn't even ask because I was afraid of the answer. I couldn't even formulate an answer to his question so I took my deep breath and said, "Gage, that's disgusting. You need to wash your butt with soap every day, often twice a day, and you need to go clean your bathroom-before I go crazy!"

Then we moved on to homework....during which there was a great deal of complaining about how homework is terrible and boring and how much he hates writing and he'd spent all day at school writing and on and on. I continued to keep it together explaining that negativity is really never useful, there's no sense in complaining because we have to do it anyway, and so on. Following homework he asked to go outside and I told him that he could as long as he cleaned his room first.

Everything with Gage is a negotiation. Everything. So he decided to ask why he always has to clean first and how he can go outside first and clean him room later. The reason it drives me so bat-shit crazy is because I never give in. He never convinces me to change my mind yet he continues to do it. I get really sad because I fear he's going to be "that kid". As a teacher it's that kid that you say, "Stop talking" and they respond with an attitude, "I was just asking for a pencil". If they had just not said anything and stopped talking there wouldn't be a problem, but now they've been a distraction to the class and now there's a problem. He just can't help himself-yet.

So after the bathroom and the homework the room cleaning began......and he could be heard in an obnoxiously whiny voice complaining that he shouldn't have to clean his room, he's terrible at cleaning, he hates cleaning, the mess is too big, he's never going to get it done, mom never helps......and that's when I lost it. I barged into his room and went off the deep end. I began throwing toys into a garbage bag screaming that he was right, he had too much stuff to even clean-he clearly needed my help. I went crazy about the bathroom calling him disgusting for leaving that toilet clogged without telling me, I went off telling him how negative he is when it comes to homework and how he turns twenty minutes of work into an hour with his complaining, I continued telling him that he is lazy for not keeping his room clean. The situation went on because Gage couldn't stop himself.......I told him that every time he talked back I was going to throw another toy in the garbage bag. It went something like this, "Not that car!! That's one of my favorite cars!!"......."Stop talking and start cleaning Gage" as I threw another toy in......."NO!! Not that box, I got that box from dad!!"........"Gage every time you even say a word I'm throwing away another-you need to just stop talking and clean" and another toy went in......."But I can't keep it clean, I'm a terrible cleaner"........"You're not getting it Gage" and I threw another toy in the bag.......several minutes in I realized that he wasn't getting it-the more I escalated-the more he escalated. This wasn't going to stop, and I had dinner to make so I went into my room. I called Matt crying......"There's something wrong with him......he just would not. shut. up"

It is SO hard for me. I wouldn't even negotiate at a yard sale. I don't get him.

The next day I saw this article on my Facebook feed, "To Build (or break) a Child's Spirit". My heart went down into my belly. I knew that in my frustration and exhaustion I had called Gage disgusting, negative, and lazy. Even though in that day he had been all of those things-none of those things define or describe Gage. None of them.

One of the things I really thought about was that as a teacher, I was much more patient and understanding with someone else's child. I made plenty of mistakes in the classroom but I certainly spent more time building there than I do at home. I think I had an expectation, even dreams, of who Gage would be.......and I get frustrated when he's not the kid I thought he would be. Just because he isn't what I expected-doesn't make him less than wonderful.

I'm not beating myself up-I know every mama loses it sometimes. But I am making time this weekend to go enjoy him-without the distraction of Gracie and the babies. Maybe I'll take him to sushi and ice cream. I'll explain that although he made mistakes and misbehaved I didn't react the way I should have. I'll apologize. Then I'll work on it-earnestly. We'll both get a clean slate.....and hopefully keep a clean toilet.

Pray for me. Really. That I can find the right words and ways. With all of the little ones I know I sometimes have less patience left for Gage. That's not always fair-he deserves a fresher me sometimes.

This picture was just a few weeks ago. My sister captured one of him with this same exact face in 2009. He is who he is. Sometimes I don't get him. But I have to find a way to-because it's my job to help him find and use the best of himself.....and it's certainly not going to happen by me pointing out the worst.

Love.

The last of Santa Barbara.......

On one of the warmest days of our trip we went to the Santa Barbara Zoo. It's a great zoo. It seemed to be about the same size as the zoo here in Fresno but it was better maintained and the exhibits were more aesthetically pleasing. 

He doesn't look like it here, but Gage was most excited to ride the train. Loved the train-not the pictures.

While Matt took the big kids on the train I let the little ones run loose. They needed a break from the stroller.

I loved putting them in the big dinosaur egg together. Sometimes I'm still amazed that I got two for one.

They had this little hill where the kids could ride down on cardboard boxes. I was reminded of the church potlucks at the foothills when I was a kid where we would do the same thing.

For our last lunch we went to Shoreline Cafe where you can sit out on the beach to eat. This picture shows one of Jay's favorite toys-a cup and a straw.

Some people see Jay smiling all the time and think he never cries. He does.

After lunch we went to the pool. Jay LOVED it.

The girls liked the little pool too but Jay was the happiest. He could have splashed and laughed for hours.

The trip certainly had some down sides. Poor Matt had to pack the car like a puzzle. The double stroller plus Gracie's extra seat, two pack and plays, golf clubs, two Bumbo seats, clothing for six for a week, beach toys, diaper bag, Matt's work bag, everybody's blankie and the list goes on. At both hotels they wouldn't let you use a luggage cart yourself-you HAD to let the bellman load your bags. Except no one could unload or load our bags except for Matt because everything had to be so strategically placed. So the bellman just stood there over his shoulder and watched him. Then accepted his tip, thanking them for standing there watching. He was so annoyed that when we packed up to leave he told them forget it and as the kids and I ate breakfast he loaded the car without the cart. It only took him like thirty-seven trips.

None of the kids rested as well as they do at home and there were tantrums from Gracie and crying babies. There were spilled drinks and french fries on the floor. There was an independent study packet the size of Webster's Dictionary for Gage to complete. There were tummy aches and bathroom stops. There were certainly many times when we wondered if it was worth all the effort.  When I look back at the pictures, I find that it was. We got to see a new place together and experience new sights. There were crabs caught and souvenirs bought. There were ice cream cones and lots of sunshine. Not everyone gets to experience such things so we should take advantage of that sometimes. But for now, I'm looking forward to staying home for a while. Because as much as the kids loved the adventure in Santa Barbara......

they also love this......

adventures right here in our own back yard. 

Love. 

Santa Barbara, Part 2

I want to be honest about our trip to Santa Barbara-it was fun, but also very exhausting and on occasion I questioned whether it was "worth it".

At one point in the trip Gracie was hysterical, I mean it took two of us to get her buckled into the car seat. She screamed at the top of her lungs and kicked her feet for 20 minutes straight as we drove to dinner, "I don't WANT to eat dinner, I want to go BACK!!" I was getting so mad because I was starving (I try not to let myself get hungry-cause it's not pretty) and I was certain we weren't going to make it to the restaurant. When we arrived at the restaurant and she finally calmed down. It was hands down the worst outing we've had with the kids. Jay was banging loudly on the table over and over again. He was screaming for us to let him have the straws or cup or chopsticks or wassabi whatever newest thing looked like fun. Ashlyn was throwing all of her food on the floor and then getting mad cause there wasn't any food in front of her. We were all walking on eggshells with Gracie praying she wouldn't fall into hysterics again. This was one of several tantrums she had while we were gone. During those times Matt and I both wondered if the trip was worth it and if we ever wanted to take them anywhere again.

Was it worth it........

One of many things my friend Chrissy at Life with Greyson and Parker has taught me is to go back through pictures of the day to find the happiness.

And when I look back at the pictures it was certainly there. For the kids and for me. On the third day we went to the Ty Warner Sea Center. It's a small aquarium out on the Stearns Wharf, we could easily walk from our hotel.

Gracie on the wharf

 I love this.

I love this one too. Because she was so excited to show him what was in this tunnel. And even though it was nothing exciting to him he was saying "ooh" and "ahh" just for her.

I was SO proud of Gracie. For anyone who doesn't know-Gracie is very afraid of animals. All of them. Cats, dogs, baby chicks, she''s just afraid. But she was not afraid of the touch pools at all. She was picking up every sea star in the tank.

Gage liked the octopus

 See, she wasn't into touching this guy

This was my favorite, little baby sharks waiting to make an appearance

They had an area to put on a puppet show. Gage put on a great show and Gracie loved peeking out from behind the curtain.

She was careful to use the "Two Finger Touch Rule" after she got busted for picking the sea stars up out of the water

 Touching a shark

 Scared of baby chicks but not sharks........

This next pictures show one of the best parts of the day. The aquarium is out on the wharf so they have a wet deck where they show kids how specimens are collected from the ocean.

 Pulling up the basket to see if he collected anything.....

 Can you tell he got something?

 He was so happy to catch this guy

 Here's Gracie.....and her raggedy, stinky, pink turned gray giraffe blanket.

We normally don't let her take the blanket out. But we were on vacation and she was over-tired. We often had to give in to things we normally wouldn't so she didn't ruin everyone's good time. And even though that blanket drives me crazy, it is part of what makes this picture precious to me. Because one day she'll lose the blanket, I just hope she doesn't lose that look of wonder.

Thanks to Matt for my camera to capture these precious moments and for Chrissy for teaching me how easy it is to find them.

Love.