Clogged toilets and clean slates

If you know Gage-you aren't to mention this to him. I think that will be obvious, but you never know......

Gage clogs the toilet fairly frequently. It's a love/hate thing for me. I love that he makes sure he got it all, but I hate that he uses too much toilet paper and clogs it. Earlier this week he left for school without telling me it was clogged. Several hours later I went into his bathroom and it smelled AWFUL. Like poop. Like poop that had been sitting in the toilet of a tiny room for hours.

This was part of our conversation that day:

Gage: Why do I have to keep my bathroom clean? No one ever goes in there, no one ever sees it but me.
Me: Because you need to keep things clean, Gage. That's like asking "Why do I need to wash my butt? No one ever sees it but me"
Gage: Yeah.....that's what I'm saying, why do we?

That was a real conversation. Promise. I wanted to die. It begged the question, "So when was the last time you washed your butt with soap?" but I couldn't even ask because I was afraid of the answer. I couldn't even formulate an answer to his question so I took my deep breath and said, "Gage, that's disgusting. You need to wash your butt with soap every day, often twice a day, and you need to go clean your bathroom-before I go crazy!"

Then we moved on to homework....during which there was a great deal of complaining about how homework is terrible and boring and how much he hates writing and he'd spent all day at school writing and on and on. I continued to keep it together explaining that negativity is really never useful, there's no sense in complaining because we have to do it anyway, and so on. Following homework he asked to go outside and I told him that he could as long as he cleaned his room first.

Everything with Gage is a negotiation. Everything. So he decided to ask why he always has to clean first and how he can go outside first and clean him room later. The reason it drives me so bat-shit crazy is because I never give in. He never convinces me to change my mind yet he continues to do it. I get really sad because I fear he's going to be "that kid". As a teacher it's that kid that you say, "Stop talking" and they respond with an attitude, "I was just asking for a pencil". If they had just not said anything and stopped talking there wouldn't be a problem, but now they've been a distraction to the class and now there's a problem. He just can't help himself-yet.

So after the bathroom and the homework the room cleaning began......and he could be heard in an obnoxiously whiny voice complaining that he shouldn't have to clean his room, he's terrible at cleaning, he hates cleaning, the mess is too big, he's never going to get it done, mom never helps......and that's when I lost it. I barged into his room and went off the deep end. I began throwing toys into a garbage bag screaming that he was right, he had too much stuff to even clean-he clearly needed my help. I went crazy about the bathroom calling him disgusting for leaving that toilet clogged without telling me, I went off telling him how negative he is when it comes to homework and how he turns twenty minutes of work into an hour with his complaining, I continued telling him that he is lazy for not keeping his room clean. The situation went on because Gage couldn't stop himself.......I told him that every time he talked back I was going to throw another toy in the garbage bag. It went something like this, "Not that car!! That's one of my favorite cars!!"......."Stop talking and start cleaning Gage" as I threw another toy in......."NO!! Not that box, I got that box from dad!!"........"Gage every time you even say a word I'm throwing away another-you need to just stop talking and clean" and another toy went in......."But I can't keep it clean, I'm a terrible cleaner"........"You're not getting it Gage" and I threw another toy in the bag.......several minutes in I realized that he wasn't getting it-the more I escalated-the more he escalated. This wasn't going to stop, and I had dinner to make so I went into my room. I called Matt crying......"There's something wrong with him......he just would not. shut. up"

It is SO hard for me. I wouldn't even negotiate at a yard sale. I don't get him.

The next day I saw this article on my Facebook feed, "To Build (or break) a Child's Spirit". My heart went down into my belly. I knew that in my frustration and exhaustion I had called Gage disgusting, negative, and lazy. Even though in that day he had been all of those things-none of those things define or describe Gage. None of them.

One of the things I really thought about was that as a teacher, I was much more patient and understanding with someone else's child. I made plenty of mistakes in the classroom but I certainly spent more time building there than I do at home. I think I had an expectation, even dreams, of who Gage would be.......and I get frustrated when he's not the kid I thought he would be. Just because he isn't what I expected-doesn't make him less than wonderful.

I'm not beating myself up-I know every mama loses it sometimes. But I am making time this weekend to go enjoy him-without the distraction of Gracie and the babies. Maybe I'll take him to sushi and ice cream. I'll explain that although he made mistakes and misbehaved I didn't react the way I should have. I'll apologize. Then I'll work on it-earnestly. We'll both get a clean slate.....and hopefully keep a clean toilet.

Pray for me. Really. That I can find the right words and ways. With all of the little ones I know I sometimes have less patience left for Gage. That's not always fair-he deserves a fresher me sometimes.

This picture was just a few weeks ago. My sister captured one of him with this same exact face in 2009. He is who he is. Sometimes I don't get him. But I have to find a way to-because it's my job to help him find and use the best of himself.....and it's certainly not going to happen by me pointing out the worst.

Love.