An update on clogged toilets and clean slates......

I'm gonna get to an update but I first want to clarify something about the original post. In that post I linked to the article, "To Build or Break a Child's Spirit". It's from Hands Free Mama; I don't follow that blog I just happened to catch the link on Facebook. I laughed because more than one friend called to let me know that post is bull$%#^. "Everyone goes ape$%&^ sometimes" and "If your kid is being gross, then you should tell them they're being gross".  I laughed because honestly, sitting here right now, I can't really remember anything specific that the blog even said. In fact, I think I actually deserved to lose my mind because it was that kind of day. What I do remember about the post is that I was hearing my teacher voice-positive, encouraging, certain. And that it felt like it had been a long time since I'd used it. I felt like nearly everything I've said to Gage for months was out of frustration and exhaustion. That's what made my heart sink. I came to the conclusion that by the time he gets home from school I've spent all day with three under three and I'm already hanging by a thread. He rarely gets a fresh mama. I realized that it's been a long time since I've really enjoyed time with him. Too often I tell Gage, "Gage-you are my ONLY child that can take care of yourself. I need you to do it!" It's not fair to always do that to him.

So, last weekend we had some time together-just us. We went to Professor Toy because he's had a gift card for a while from his Aunt Sam and we haven't had a chance to go. He picked out a bow & arrow and an ax that he's been using all week to chop up my Styrofoam tea cups. We went to Jamba Juice for their BOGO sale. We talked about how his attitude has been negative. He agreed that he needs to be helpful without complaining. He agreed that we needed a plan so that when I say, "Gage, take the garbage out" and I come back to find it hasn't been done he already knows the consequence. Because honestly, I'm too distracted to notice sometimes that things aren't getting done. Then I'm too tired to think of a good consequence; I'm just mad that it didn't get done, and out of frustration and exhaustion I overreact. We came up with some consequences together-no treat after dinner, early bedtime, loss of privileges (no tablet, no tv, no friend time), and he had an idea that if he was really bad I could make him stay outside all day and he would have to use his new bow & arrow to hunt for his lunch. Might be a little challenging with a suction cup arrow but I may reach the point to actually try it, I'll keep you posted.

I've haven't made it a point to spend one-on-one time with him. I've always felt like that would just come naturally. I don't even think that every child necessarily needs that. Gage does. Or I do. At least one of us does. And it's not coming as naturally as I'd like. The fact is he's a high maintenance kid and I enjoy him more when I have him alone. Earlier this week he let me know that sometimes he doesn't feel like he belongs in our family. He's the only one that has a different last name, he's the only one that has another dad, he's the only one that lives in another house sometimes. I've always kind of discounted the fact that Gage has divorced parents. It's just something I never think about anymore. Since he was under a year old when the separation occurred, I've just always thought he wouldn't really know any different and it wouldn't be as emotionally taxing as my parents divorce. I've realized that just because it's all he's ever known doesn't mean he won't have struggles. Now that I think about how insightful he is, I'm surprised this hasn't really come up before. I mean, he's asked why we got a divorce, but he's never really mentioned how it influences him. The fact is, he IS different in our family and it goes beyond the results of a divorce. He's also the only one that goes to school, the only one that has chores around the house, and as I often point out-the only one that can actually take care of himself!

Maybe he needs a little extra something right now. I have a great babysitter and it's gotten a lot easier to leave the little ones. Maybe I need to take some time this summer to let him be a big kid, to do some things together that we can't do when we have the babies. Easier said than done but I'll be making a concerted effort. Sometimes it's hard because I feel like his life is so much fuller than mine was as a child and he doesn't need anything more than he already has. But I realize that some of Gage's favorite things to do are go to the Nature Conservatory or walk the trail-we don't have to go big........though Matty hates roller-coasters and Gage and I both love them......there could be a Six Flags day in our future.

Here we are at the Mother Son Sports Night at Fugman. I wish I could say that it was a great time to spend together but he ran around with friends the whole time while I visited with other moms. At least we got a pic together (even if it started with a "Do we really have to take a picture?").

When I think about little Gage I remember how funny he was to me. He's always been a talker. It didn't bother me that he asked a million questions, I thought it was wonderful how inquisitive he was. When we went to the toy store together I got to notice those things about him without the exhaustion and thinking, "Not another question Gage....." I just answered them. And while we were there he pointed out toys that he thought Gracie would like for her birthday, because he's a good brother.

For the friends and family that have talked at length with me on this-thank you. Encouragement is important for mamas too.

Love