The teacher part of me.....

I miss teaching. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to go back right now, but there are days that I really miss the classroom and the kids. A little background.........I taught for four years. Two at Hoover High School, one at Central High School (East Campus), and one at El Capitan Middle School. Most teachers say that their first year was the most challenging. My first year was hands down my favorite. The year at Central East was my worst. I sucked that year. It was my first year back after being home with Gage, I was roving (no room of my own, but moving classrooms that I shared with other teachers EVERY class period), and my heart just wasn't there. The last year runs a close second for favorite, it was my first year at a middle school and I was far happier there than I had ever imagined I would be. Now that I'm writing it down, I realize my favorite years were those when I learned the most.

Oh my first year, it was hilarious. I laughed every day, usually shaking my head; those kids were so funny. I had just turned 23, so young, I was in great shape, and I knew that some of those boys (and maybe even some of the girls, ha!) were totally hot for teacher. I learned to use it to my advantage. They challenged me-big time. They made completely inappropriate remarks, asked me the most shocking questions, and one showed up at my house one day out of the blue.......which scared me just a little. I had one confess to me they were using steroids, another that confided in me about slitting her wrists, I confiscated a note about one girl being in an abusive relationship, and I had one tell me that someone would cut my finger off for my ring so I should never walk alone at night. It was just crazy......but I loved them and I learned that year how to manage a classroom.  

I always took opportunities for life lessons. I taught things like......ladies-it's not attractive to talk about your period, or going pee. Ever. You just ask to use the ladies room-no one wants to know what you're doing in there. Nobody likes drunk girl. They might like her for the evening but no one wants to marry her. If you're going to have sex-know the consequences and protect yourself. Not sure how to? Ask me......and ask me they did. 

I often think about how different I am in the classroom verses my real life. In most social settings I'm not a leader, I usually just kind of sit back and watch, yet in the classroom I'm always the leader. In my personal life I have been told I'm unapproachable, so one of the greatest compliments from one of my students was........

I always loved going to your class, I learned a lot and never felt like you gave up on me when it seemed like everyone else, including myself had. Honestly, you were a really great female role model for me. Smart, pretty and genuine, approachable... you're one of the people that made me feel like it is possible to have it all. So thank you so much!!

Thank you Chantel for your kind words.....and thank you for using that brain of yours to pursue your education to the fullest. I love that you use financial aid for it's intended purpose and do your VERY best.
And these words from Courtney make me miss teaching....

 I love reading your blog and I think it's awesome that you can still teach me life lessons years after I was in your class.

Both of these were students from my first year of teaching (2004-05) that I still hear from today. Both are continuing their education. I love that.

I want to go back to school. I want to teach in the credential program.....to teach teachers pursuing careers in high school and middle school. Now is not the time but I hope someday soon it comes.

Now is the time for these two.......

and any others we might decide to have :) But when this is over, I have something else to look forward to.......something I love.

Love.

Why would I WANT to do the dishes?

My life is good. I have all I've ever wanted......a fabulous husband, two amazing children, a beautiful home in a great neighborhood, time at home with my children with a fall back career that I also love, the list goes on. Usually I can focus on the good and feel content. But last week, I lost it.......because some days are just plain hard. Last week I had several of those days. Typical mom stuff, Gracie throwing food on the floor, Gage interrupting while I made phone calls, dropping, spilling, crying, teething, pooping, needing, one thing after another, the house was a complete mess.........and I was SO tired. I kept trying every day to clean my house but the more I cleaned the more messes were made.

Nearly every Thursday night my husband meets a few friends for dinner and a drink after work. I love that night. It means I don't have to cook, I can watch whatever I want on TV, I can clean, I can spend the evening on Pinterest, the list of why I love Thursday evening goes on and on.

I love Thursdays and I love these guys. Matty, Hally, and Adolph, April '09

But last Thursday was the day I lost it. Matt came home from work to change before meeting the guys and when he hugged me I just started to cry. Nothing bad had happened I was just so exhausted that I cried. It's not the first time I've needed a break but it's never been this bad.

Matt felt bad but I encouraged him to go ahead and meet the guys. There was no need to drag him into my misery and his being home wasn't going to help. I decided to get over it. Sometimes we just have to do that, make a conscious decision to cheer up. So I decided to ignore the mess that was my house and do something the kids and I would both enjoy-a walk/bike ride to get ice cream. It was just right. We got home and unfortunately Koziko had not come to do my dishes so the house was still a mess. I decided to ignore it again and just go to bed.

I decided to postpone all that I NEEDED to do and spend the weekend doing what I WANTED to do. I sewed. Sewing means that the house is a mess because I have to drag everything into my kitchen. I just let it go while I completed some projects. I didn't like the mess, it was stressing me out a little to just leave fabric, the machine, and notions all over my kitchen table. If I had cleaned it though, I would have had to drag it all out again the next day and been frustrated by having to clean the mess up again and again. I chose not to feel guilty and I just did what I wanted. Matt helped me by keeping an eye on Gage and Gracie while I made these.

The tank part came from this weekend's $2 tank top sale at Old Navy, what a deal!

 This dress probably won't fit her till she's 3-that's what happens when you sew without a pattern!

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 This dress isn't quite finished, I need to press the seam and hem the bottom but I love it.

 A gorgeous minky blanket

This is just a piece of fabric that I wanted to use this weekend. I didn't.......because if I used it,

 then I wouldn't have it anymore. I don't want to "waste" it, so I'm waiting for the perfect project. 

Today I feel better than I did last Thursday. It feels good to have made something......completed a project. I had to let go of some things, postpone some things, but I needed to do something for myself. I don't know about you but I make lists. I love everything about them-making them, following them, checking them and crossing things off of them! Last week when I lost it, I was a mess of emotion. I felt like I needed a break, a nanny, and a cleaning lady. Then I felt guilty because I'm a stay at home mom, I should be able to care for my children and keep my house clean! After doing something for myself I realize I don't need a nanny or a cleaning lady. I just need to do something for myself every once in a while. If that means that the house isn't the cleanest-so be it, I won't feel guilty about it. Every once in a while our "to-do" lists need to include something we WANT to do, not just what we HAVE to do.

Look at this......

She wanted to be our there with him so bad. 

I love them. I love my husband. I love a clean house.....but I love myself more than a clean house. So I'm gonna make sure my "to do" lists include something for me.....you should too. 

Love. 

King of kindergarten.....or so I thought

This is Gage.....

So independent......if I hadn't set boundaries before we starting riding he would never look back for me. He would just ride to wherever he felt like going. He's already asking how old he has to be to have the "be home by dark" rule.

No fear of new people (like this neighbor we've never met)....or dogs....or roller coasters, or anything that I know of other than the deep end.

We've had many talks about strangers. Gage would have walked into the home or gotten into the car of anyone who invited him. I asked him once, "What would you do if the garbage man offered to take you for a ride around the block in his truck?"  His response, (I would say I could never forget this talk but I KNOW I will-which is why I'm blogging about it), "Seriously?!? That could happen?!? I could go for a ride in the garbage truck?!?" The look on his face said it all.......he looked as though I'd just told him we were going to Disneyland! As if his childhood dream was about to come true. Oh no........this was followed by a 20-minute discussion where I had to explain that even though we see the garbage man every week and we always wave-the garbage man is still a stranger, and he is never allowed to go for a ride in his truck. I think Gage must have said "yeah but" at least twenty times that day.

Earlier this week we had Gage's kindergarten assessment. Even though I sometimes worry, Gage is totally ready. He knows all of his colors, shapes, can count to 49 before he says, "Is that far enough? Counting is boring", knows all the letters and numbers, ties his shoes, writes his first and last name, and thanks to Grandma Debi, can make his way through any Dick and Jane book. In fact, he can correctly use the word assessment. The appointment came last minute, I only had about 4 hours notice. Matt had let Gage stay up WAY past bedtime the night before so my only concern was that Gage doesn't do tired very well. We arrived, walked in and sat down to read a book while we waited. The teacher came out and as I stood up to greet her Gage hid behind my legs. This is totally normal for some people, but in his entire life (I know 5 years isn't that long) he has never done that. He just isn't shy. Ever. I didn't even know what do say or do because he never does that.....and I felt like if I said, "I'm sorry, he never does this" she'd think I was lying.

The teacher had to coax him and bribe him with a sticker to come over and do the assessment. I was so confused......as though suddenly I didn't know my own son. They sat down to begin the assessment and I sat to the side and watched. There are two letters he struggles with on occasion. He often sees a Y, makes the sound and then says it's a U because U starts with the Y sound. She went through the letters and he got Y and U correct. She got to the letter C and he paused. He didn't know it right away. He panicked. He turned and looked up, "Are those Santa Hats for Christmas? Do you guys do a Christmas program? We did at my last school. Is that was those are for? Where's the bathroom? When can I go outside and play?" I've seen a much milder version of this before....where he tries to change the subject. But this was different, it wasn't the "I'm tired of doing this" that I get, it was nerves and embarrassment. He came back and got the C correct.

This assessment taught me that I thought I knew Gage, I thought he was completely predictable.......but maybe I don't know him as student. I only volunteered to work in Gage's preschool class twice. I don't love small children. I taught high school and middle school for a reason. I'm a sucker for smart mouths, attitudes, and inappropriate questions. Gracie is another reason. I haven't had anyone to watch her and she's too little to take with me. So after this assessment I realized, time is limited. There are only so many years that Gage won't mind me working in his class and knowing him, kindergarten will be the last year. There will only be so much time that I can observe him as a student, so I'd better take advantage.

Last night I walked and he rode his bike down to Rite Aid for ice cream. I knew he would pick this disgustingness as soon as I saw it. it's cotton candy. He always picks what I wouldn't. See, in some ways I've got him pegged.

Gracie went along for the ride. She's always got her little feet up.

So I've already talked to one mom about swapping little ones next year. Her daughter will also start kindergarten at Fugman next year, her son will be in first grade, and she's got a little girl just four months older than Gracie. They live right behind us and they are an amazing family. Hopefully it works that we can swap and volunteer once per week next year. I'm gonna have to adapt to snot noses instead of smart mouths. For him.......

I can do it.

Love.

P.S. I know disgustingness isn't a word......but it should be

We don't do time outs around here.....

Part One
We moved into our current home shortly before Gage turned four. One of the expectations after he turned four was that every night his room would be clean (picked up by himself) before bedtime. The first few nights of this were slow going. It was a combination of getting distracted by the toys, laziness, and mostly milking a little more time before he had to go to bed. He was certainly testing the boundaries. So the third night he was lollygagging again and it was time to make the boundaries clear. See, I didn't have time for a time out. He was already trying to stay up past bedtime and that would have given him what he wanted! I told him, "I'm going to set a timer for 10 minutes. This means you have 10 minutes to clean your room. Any toys that are left on the floor when the timer goes off will be thrown in the garbage. Do you understand?" He did. He was given reminders that time was ticking but when the timer went off after the ten minutes there were still a ton of toys on the floor.

I grabbed a garbage bag and began filling it up. He began to ask, "You're really throwing them away? In the garbage cans............NOOOOO!!!!! Tomorrow is garbage day, they'll go in the cinerator!!!" (translation-incinerator, have you seen Toy Story 3??) I knew it was going to be devastating. Even I was devastated!! He was crying and yelling. I had to throw away the brand new Buzz Lightyear he had just received for his birthday days earlier (sorry Aunt Sam). He cried himself to sleep that night.......but by morning-he was over it. Don't get me wrong-he has never forgotten that episode, but that's what I wanted. Because for nearly two years, I haven't had to do it again.

I know I should have donated the toys-you don't have to tell me that. In that moment-they needed to be gone immediately, not put in my trunk for added drama when we dropped them at the church. The story needed to end that night, so to the "cinerator" they went!

Part Two
For the first time in nearly two years, the room was not clean when the timer went off. It was the second issue with Gage's room in one week (the first was that when he was getting ready and could not find ONE PAIR of matching shoes). As I assessed the situation I realized he literally didn't have room in his toy bins to put it all away. I don't even buy toys with the exception of birthdays and Christmas so I couldn't figure out where this had all come from. I started looking through his toy bins and realized it was mostly garbage-things I had asked him to take out to the recycle bin. A cardboard box- "Don't throw that away Mom, I use it to be the garbage man", bottle caps-"No Mom, those are coins for my pirate treasure chest", dryer sheets-"those are flags for my pirate ships" and so on. I LOVE his imagination but I honestly felt like we could have been in an episode of Hoarders. Thank God there was nothing wet or smelly.

This was what he had......look at his proud face

It was so much more than this. We found a shoe that had been missing for several weeks, and 17 missing socks! There were hundreds of tiny Legos and puzzle pieces that fell to the bottom. So we spent almost three hours choosing our favorite toys and re-organizing the bins while Gracie napped. He only got teary-eyed once and I was pleased with how easily he let things go. Now we're down to a few of his favorite toys....and when he's pushing boundaries they can visit the "cinerator" once again.


Last week my neighbor friend Chrissy (who I just think is amazing for so many reasons) spent some time working with me and my camera. I've been using my new skills and will post some in the next few days. If you haven't read her blog, Life with Greyson & Parker go check it out!! You will feel better having done so. See the reflection in the window here?

 
That's her-clapping her hands and doing the silly dance so Gracie would smile. Gracie's not really smiling but she is showing off one of her new teeth!

Earlier this week we had Gage's kindergarten assessment where they just quickly test his readiness. That will be tomorrow's post because I don't want to forget it!!

Love.

Why Stroller Strides wasn't for me....

So the week before Mother's Day I saw an offer for a free Stroller Strides class. The class allows you to engage in a fitness routine while you have your little one in the stroller.  Heard it was a pretty good workout and you never know, I might meet a new stay-at-home-mom friend. The instructor was........peppy, enthusiastic and VERY encouraging!! That was my first clue this class wasn't for me. I like a quiet challenge, not "You're awesome ladies! You can DO IT!!" 

First thing on the agenda-warm up. During this time we were asked to introduce ourselves, our little one, then share what makes us a good mother. Crap, more cheerleading and patting ourselves on the back? I'm FOR SURE in the wrong class. I'm about 12th in line and I'm not worried at all about what to say. I am a teacher (okay, I WAS but in my head I still am); plenty of mornings I walked in with no lesson plans and taught on the fly. I could surely think fast about makes me a good mom. So the ladies begin, "I am a good mother because I love to take my daughter everywhere with me!", "What makes me a good mother is that I want to give everything I can to my children", "I'm a good mom because this is my firstborn and now my world revolves around him"......I had to look down because I have no poker face and I could feel my eyes getting wide. I'm thinking, I'm certainly not going to meet a friend in this bunch.......who are these people?......did she just say that?.........I can't really sneak out of this big open field with a giant jogging stroller........everything they're saying makes them a good mother-I feel the opposite!

I mean, I CAN'T WAIT for an hour to myself without my kids.........my greatest desire right now is that Gracie sleep just one more hour in the morning so I can eat my breakfast without having to nurse a baby at the same time.......I think my kids already have too much.......I don't want my world to revolve around my kids-I have a husband, and friends, and things I enjoy doing without my children!! Uh oh, it's my turn......"My name is Dusty, this is my 10-month old daughter Gracie and my 5-year old Gage is on the playground. I am a good mother.......because I'm laid back, relaxed, I don't worry too much" Whew! I endured the remaining 40 minutes of a mediocre workout and walked away knowing I'd never go back.

The experience sent me into a little time of reflection.......what makes a good mom? I realized, I could think of a ton of little things, but no big theme was coming to mind. I'm sure it's different for us all. For me-it's what I shared that day. I don't worry too much.

Gracie chews on my keys. They're absolutely filthy, but she loves it-and when I'm picking Gage up from school it keeps her quiet until he's dismissed. I have had people take them from her and say, "Those are yucky, you don't want those." But she does!! And I don't care because I'm just not that worried about it. Gage is older, so worry is different. Today I threw away some of his favorite toys (more on this tomorrow). I'm not worried that he's going to be upset or that he's going to hate me. In fact, I did it KNOWING he would be upset about it and he might tell me that he hates me. But I also know by dinner time-he'll be over it. If not, surely by bedtime loves.

I love my babies, and I do worry about them. I worry about Gracie's milk allergy and I worry about Gage's readiness for kindergarten. But I don't worry TOO MUCH.

My kids have a funny age difference-they are close enough, yet far apart enough in age to do this.....Gracie & Gage, May 2012 at Grandma Debi's

Gage was scrubbing her little feet with that brush, giving her a pedicure :) How he loves her.....

If you're up for it....what do you think makes a good mother? Just please don't tell me it's that your children are your LIFE or that you just can't stand to be without them for a second.

Off to spend time with Matt. It's his turn.

Love.

Why I'm Blogging

My great-grandmother, known as Noni to almost everyone, lived to be ninety-nine years old before she passed away. Impressive, right? Even more so-was her mind. It's not that she had an amazing memory-she really didn't. One could ask about her early childhood or raising her daughters and, though she had some things to share, she didn't remember much. However, what she DID remember was extremely impressive. This was a woman I saw less than once per month but when I walked in the room she knew exactly who I was...... 


I was her daughter Jan's granddaughter



Stacey's daughter



Josh and Amy's sister



I had a son named Gage 



I was, at the time she passed, soon to marry my husband, Matt 



She also knew that I was a teacher and would ask me how school was going. Sharp for 99 years. A truly amazing lady.


Noni, 2010

My sister and I have theorized that her mind was so aware of the present because she kept it cleared of the past and embraced the changes of the world. In some ways I take after my Noni, my slender frame, my long skinny hands and feet..........and my difficulty storing memories. My friends will tell old stories that involved me and I will totally laugh along but on the inside think.......I don't remember that. So the blog is to pick up the slack. It's not for me to remember, I love having a clear mind. It is to help my family remember when I can't.