Looking back at my notes from Phemom on Tuesday I see "Feeling awkward and uncomfortable is an opportunity for growth." Speaks to me.
I HATE to have conversations that make me feel awkward, embarrassed, or uncomfortable. I really hate to have a conversation where I think someone might get upset with me. So I avoid them. Completely. Often times it has come back to haunt me, and yet I continue the pattern. You would think in 34 years I would learn to just face an uncomfortable situation instead of letting time pass and having it fester into something much larger. But I haven't.
Recently, there was something I should have shared with a friend, but I didn't. I wasn't sure how to approach it, I didn't know what to say, and I was afraid of feeling embarrassed when the words came out. So I just didn't say anything and hoped she wouldn't find out. It wasn't because it was something bad, but because if she did, then we might have that awkward conversation. As it often does, that came back to haunt me. Now it seems like I've been hiding some big secret. I could have had a slightly uncomfortable conversation months ago, but instead I avoided it. In the end I had to endure a much more uncomfortable and humbling discussion.
Today I will let myself be comforted by the words from my Phemom notes, "Feeling awkward and uncomfortable is an opportunity for growth." Those were words that God intended for me to hear this week. I HATE to feel like someone is upset with me. My stomach goes into knots and it keeps me up at night. This situation has certainly done that. But I realize this is something I needed to endure in order to grow. This is part of me that I need to work on, but it does not define me. I need to get better about having conversations that I don't want to have. Next time I want to avoid an uncomfortable situation, I hope I remember how much worse it can become when I put it off.
Also at Phemom, we were asked to consider living without expectations of anyone. Then we were challenged to specifically think about one unrealistic expectation we have of a loved one-and let that go. I had to really think. It's not often that someone doesn't meet my expectations because I don't have many expectations of others. I don't get easily disappointed or offended by other people. It's easy for me to find the good and forgive. I was scanning my brain about my expectations of Matt, my friends, my parents, my peers but that wasn't where I found the unrealistic expectation. It was with my child.
I loved school. I loved it so much I chose teaching as a career. It came easily to me and I valued getting good grades. I would have died at the thought of getting answers wrong and someone thinking I was stupid because I didn't have the right answer. Even in college I hated peer editing. I hated the thought of someone thinking I wasn't a good writer or seeing my mistakes. Gage, on the other hand, doesn't seem to care. He rushes through his homework making errors and leaving his paper a mess. He doesn't seem to be bothered if he makes mistakes. He sees his mistakes as just careless errors, not a measure of his intelligence....or worth, the way I did. It has been really hard for me to watch him. Doesn't he love learning? Doesn't he love school? Doesn't he love to get the right answer? Doesn't he feel embarrassed by wrong answers? Doesn't he feel ashamed to turn in messy work? Doesn't he want to be a good student?
Unrealistic expectation of a loved one. I am expecting him to be me. I ask myself, "Doesn't he love learning?" Anyone that has spent any time with Gage knows that he loves to learn and he's not stupid. He asks too many questions not to love learning. He loves school. He is a great reader and he loves books. He is well liked by staff and doesn't get into trouble. His school experience isn't going to look like mine. I have to let go of that expectation. It's not that I'll absolve him of expectations. He'll still be expected to maintain good grades and stay out of trouble, but I can't expect his experience to fit the mold I've created in my head. I can't expect his handwriting to be perfect and his papers without errors. It's something that I've struggled with the last several weeks and I am so grateful for that challenge to let go of my expectations. I can see it from a new perspective. I need to let him be who the Holy Spirit has made him.
Sometimes in this mom life things get lonely. Little people all day, every day. It's hard to spend time with friends, even those with kids. There are so many nap schedules to follow and snotty noses to avoid. With so many little ones, I don't get to spend as much time with moms of the school age kids. Today I got to catch up with a friend I haven't seen in a long time. She has kids around Gage's age. It was good. So. Good. It was good to talk about parenting the school age child. One of things that I love about this friend is that she isn't afraid to talk about the short-comings of her children and herself. I loved that it wasn't talk about the superficial but about the depths of parenting, such as knowing that our influence is so significant as parents yet so much of what our children choose to do is beyond our control. It was a visit that I didn't want to end and it filled my cup.
I am now 20 weeks (21 tomorrow). Jay often comes over and gives the baby a kiss. Ashlyn thinks everyone has a baby in their belly. Gracie thinks we should name the baby "the new Gracie" if it's a girl. Gage asks a lot of questions.
Jay continues to be "all boy" with his growling and destruction. Ashlyn always out of nowhere says, "I love you so much (Mom, Dad, Gage, Gracie, Jay)" Last week I was asking her to hold my hand as we left the store. She said, "Because if not, I maybe get lost? You won't have me anymore? That would be sad if you don't have me anymore". Her whiny nature gets to her dad, but she cracks me up. Gracie is LOVING preschool at Hands On Discovery. She cries on the days that she doesn't get to go. Last week she came home with a bracelet her classmate had made for her. When Gage found out that this classmate was a boy he was not happy. "What does he like her or something? No. No, not okay. I am NOT okay with this." Then he decided to tell Matt about it at the dinner table, just in case he wasn't aware. Look out little sisters, he's watching. Gage is LOVING flag football. I was selfishly happy he chose that over soccer. I love that my Saturday mornings can still be used to clean the house while Matt takes the kids to the gym. It's the little things.
The house is still under construction. At this point, I'm just hoping to be in before the baby comes. Pray on that one for us.
I hope to be back soon. With pictures. I took next to none this last month. I'll be better in October. I hope.
Until next time, love.
