People often tell me they don't know how I do it.....

Often, I don't. At least not well.

Matt is coming home today from a ten day trip. I hate to say this, but it's really not that much different when Matt's gone. I miss him, but it's not like I'm overwhelmed by being alone with the kids. That's how it is most of the time anyway. I cook less when he's gone and have less clean up. The only major difference is Gage. He's different when Matt is gone. It's hard to explain. Part of it is that does things that he would never do if Matt were home. Just as an example, we picked up pizza one night and as I was getting the littles out of the car he grabbed a slice, walked into the living room, and started eating it. He would NEVER do that if Matt was home. We ALWAYS sit at the table and eat as a family. He's never been allowed to eat in the living room. Ever. He talks to the little ones in ways that he wouldn't if Matt were here. Maybe he takes his "man of the house" when dad's not home role a little too seriously. I feel like I've spent the last week being nothing but annoyed and upset with him.

Last night was the tenth night of Matt's absence. The twins are going through a phase where they only want ME to help them with everything. Every time I asked Gage to help me (get their shoes on, unbuckle their seat belt, hold their hand as we left party) they would go into a hysterical fit to the point that Gage literally could not help me. The kids were exhausted from a birthday party we'd been to. I was tired. My hips were hurting and every time I moved it seemed I got a shooting pain down the back of my leg.

I lost it.

As I gave the little three a bath, Gage did not do what I asked of him. When I discovered this, I didn't just get upset-I lost my shit. It was ugly. I was ugly. It wasn't fair to him.

The three littles were waiting in Gracie's bed for me to read books. I stopped outside of her door and began to cry as silently as I could. Moments later Gage walked toward us down the hall saying, "I'm coming to read to you guys, Mom is tired hurting and she needs to go sit down and rest."

He stopped at the door. I told him I was so sorry and I kissed his head. I hugged him for a long time. He cried too, but he told me that it was okay, he knew I was just tired and that he was going to read to the kids.

I let him.

Jay began to whine that he wanted me to read and Gage told him that I needed a break and he would be reading. He didn't just read, he did all the voices and read to them with love. From around the corner I snapped this picture.

Sometimes I have a hard time with Gage. Our personalities do not harmonize.

But he is good. So. Good.

I am thankful for that. For forgiveness. For new days.

Love.