Motherhood is overwhelming. That doesn't look the same for every mama though.
I know a lot of moms worry about their kids. I really don't. It's not because I don't love my children, I'm just not a worrier by nature. If I do worry, it's very rarely that something will happen to them. I worry that they won't be kind or respectful when I'm not there. I don't even worry when I probably should. I'm not a helicopter parent. One reason is that I wasn't made that way and another reason is simply that I can't hover over all four intently at the same time. There's a certain amount of freedom for them in that. I would consider myself a strict mom, but I'm not overprotective. It goes back to the fact that I'm not a worrier. I'm the one that watches my child take a tumble at the park.....and instead of running over to help them I just slowly head that way and watch to see if they get up alright on their own.
Lately I've been feeling judged for some of the freedoms I allow my children, especially Gage. As an example, on occasion, I send Gage into the store alone when we only need a handful of things. I give him some cash and wait in the car with the little ones. There was a little hint of hesitation the first time I sent him in to the store alone. Should I send him? Should I just unload all the littles and go in? Is he going to know what to do? Is he too little for this? Is he going to be able to follow the list? I figured I knew Gage well enough to know that if he couldn't find something he would be confident and capable enough to ask an employee for help. Sure enough, the first time I sent him in, he couldn't find the red onions. When he got back to the car he said, "It took a little longer because I couldn't find the red onions, which they really should call purple, and I had to ask for help." Then, with a big smile on his face and almost a little giggle he said, "The clerk said she couldn't believe my mom let me come in by myself." I realized that I was right-he was ready. Not only was he just fine, but completing that task by himself made him feel good about himself and created in him a little more self-sufficiency than he had before he went in.
We were down at the farm this last weekend and my mother-in-law was away on a women's retreat for the weekend. That meant that Gage was given some of her morning chores to complete-he was going to feed the chickens and collect the eggs as well as take the dog, Zorro, for a walk. While I was in the bathroom getting ready I heard my father-in-law telling Gage, "Now Gage, it's time that you be a help to your mother. You're not one of the babies anymore. You need to take care of the things you can by yourself so she can care for the little ones. It's time for you to start growing up."
Sometimes as moms we get into a routine where we're doing things for the kids just because we always have. And because it takes a time investment to teach them to do it themselves. Sometimes we overprotect because we worry that they're not ready or that they're going to get hurt. And sometimes because everyone around us is and we feel judgment giving our kids certain freedoms. Dale talking to Gage reminded me that it's just part of growing up. Gage does a lot for himself. He packs his own lunch and makes his own breakfast. If he wakes up late I help him but I've only had to help him twice this year. He takes out the garbage and the cans to the street on collection day. He does his extra-curricular activities alone. I leave the room for his guitar lessons and for soccer I don't stay but just drop off and pick up at the end.
Yesterday I went full circle on this.
Early in the day an acquaintance of mine had a post on Facebook about how she feels really sad when she sees kids in K-3 walking to school. Another friend of hers commented, "Lazy people shouldn't have kids." I decided they needed to spend a little time in the hood. Anyway, I realized that when I send Gage into the store alone or when I just drop him off at soccer instead of walking him to the field and watching his practice some people might see that as lazy.
I started to wonder.....am I lazy? Should I be more involved? Should I be more watchful? I spent a good part of the day thinking about why I give Gage certain freedoms and whether it's the right thing to do.
Then last night another friend posted this quote by Ann Landers: "It's not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves, that will make them successful human beings."
Yep. I'm going with that. If you need Gage to get your groceries-he's got you.
Love.
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