Fruit, Flowers, and a Love Fern

Matt and I celebrated our fourth anniversary a few weeks ago. I didn't get a chance to blog about it then, but I'm making time now.

Since we follow the traditional gifts, our choice this year was fruit or flowers. It happened to work out for us because building the house has got us on a fruit or flowers kind of budget. The only trouble was that I like to get something that we can keep forever. So I gave Matty a bottle of wine (fruit) from the year we were married and I had the kids make a painting with their hands (a tree, which is close enough to flowers) that could be kept to remember this year. Matt gave me a bottle of wine as well, along with a love fern. Okay, it's not a love fern, it's a rose bush that we can keep in a container and then take to the new house with us. We spent our actual anniversary evening enjoying happy hour at Ruth's Chris. The following weekend we went to School House out in Reedley for dinner to celebrate. It was somewhere we've never been and just getting out of the same old same can be so special.

When I think about my marriage I feel peaceful and secure. I feel grateful and certain. I feel safe and loved. I feel blessed. There was a time in my life when I felt shameful and saddened by the fact that I had a failed marriage. The marriage I live now assures me that hearts can be restored and that I can feel well with my soul.  

A few weeks ago I attended the bridal shower of my cousin's fiance. For some reason as we were cleaning up after the shower she mentioned that Justin would not pick up tampons for her from the store. I laughed. "Have that first baby," I said, "things will change."

When I met Matt I was 28, a single mom, and probably in the best shape of my life. Then I got pregnant with Gracie right after we got married. And then I got pregnant with the twins. Now the skin on my stomach sags and makes my belly button look like a frown. It's never going back. My back and hips aren't right so I can't work out in the same way. Plus, you know, I can't always make the gym. If I laugh or sneeze unexpectedly I pee little bit....in my pants. I'm NOT the same person he married. But he loves this version of me too. He still makes me feel beautiful every day. Sure, he'd probably love if I was able to stay up past 9pm. At the same time he knows that tending to our children is exhausting and he admires the way I get it done. I'm sure he'd think it was amazing if I was back in the best shape ever. But he knows that my sagging skin was part of making those beautiful babies we adore. He makes me feel like it's fine when I have to order a pizza for dinner because I couldn't bring myself to take all the kids to the grocery store. He does the same when I fall asleep within thirty minutes of putting the kids to bed.

Matt has been gone for a week so far on a 10-day hunting trip with his dad and brothers. In some ways, if I'm honest, it's nice. I don't make dinner. The kids and I eat sandwiches, cereal, or whatever else I can scrounge up. I don't sleep well when he's away so I can stay up late and sew. I would usually look forward to watching trash TV, but I just haven't been able to get into anything anymore. Where's my RHOBH?

This morning Matt called and had to let me in on his surprise to come home a few days earlier than planned. I am SO excited. Like butterflies in my stomach excited. There's another element of joy to my day knowing that he's coming home early. Tomorrow we get to go to my cousins wedding together. He'll be there to see Gracie as a flower girl. We'll witness my brother officiate the wedding, just as he did ours. We'll have dinner, drinks, and dancing with some of our favorite people. There's something about being at a wedding together that is so special.

Our fourth year of marriage was filled with dirty diapers and messes. It was a year of wiping bottoms and getting by. These times aren't glamorous. We're not off traveling the world; we're lucky to get to Grandma's house. We're not living in a gorgeous home or enjoying fabulous gourmet meals. But these times are so precious. Right now I'm at the kitchen counter. Gage is probably taking his spelling test at school. Jay is trying to climb on the counter for the millionth time. Gracie is building a pillow fort. Ashlyn is putting on a fifteenth pair of shoes for the day. I lied, she's now pulling out what appears to be the 800th Ziploc bag and throwing it on the kitchen floor. And my husband, he is packing up to come home. And I can't wait, because life is just better when he's here.

Love.