Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Why not?

A few months ago Gracie woke up crying in the middle of the night. Along with discovering her bloody nose, I found that I was spotting........I was 8 weeks pregnant. Gracie and I both woke Matt up with our crying.

It couldn't be confirmed right away by ultrasound, but within a week we knew for sure I had miscarried. It was heartbreaking. That baby's due date was my sister's birthday and I was excited to tell her.....a miscarriage isn't as simple as I had somehow thought (one reason I'm sharing)......I had gotten my hopes up at one point that maybe everything was fine.......I wasn't sure how Matty would feel about the loss or how he'd feel about trying again.......I wasn't sure if it was a sign that I shouldn't have another. I mean, that baby was the one I had JUST thanked God for trusting me with. Could I not be trusted with another?

Then I struggled a little with what to do next. Should I tell my mom? Should I call my sister?  They didn't even know I was pregnant.

I didn't. I didn't call anyone else either. Cowardly, I just didn't want to have anyone tell me that it was a sign. I didn't want to hear that maybe it was because we're not supposed to have another one. I didn't want to hear that we're crazy for wanting another one or that five children is just too many. I didn't want anyone to tell me that we're fortunate to have four healthy children and maybe we should just be content with what we have. We already are.

It's ridiculous that at thirty four years old I still can't handle having people think I'm making a poor decision. That's a story for another day.

Looking back, I wish I would have just shared the pregnancy when we found out. Sure, I would have then had to tell everyone about the miscarriage, but I think it would have been better somehow. Then I could have had the love and support of friends instead of feeling like I was hiding some type of secret. 

Months later, I was still afraid, so I waited to share again. But it's time to tell you-we're expecting in February!! If you've seen me in the last few weeks you might have been suspicious. Apparently with Baby #5 your belly just rolls out the red carpet of space for them to grow. This is the first time we've waited this long to tell anyone. That's what miscarriage does. But that's also why I'm sharing the story now. I would encourage others not to wait to share the joy of pregnancy. Loss can occur at anytime and you could use the love and support no matter when it happens.

I know that nearly everyone thinks we're crazy. One of my best friends has told me many times that five is too many. She's allowed to say that-she has five. She knows it isn't for the faint of heart. I remember her call telling me that Baby #4 was actually going to to be Baby #4 and #5, identical twin girls. My first thought was "Holy crap, she's going to have FIVE kids!!" as if it were the craziest thing ever. So, I get it.

The greatest joy has come from the responses of our children. Gage shouted "A BROTHER!!" (we will not be finding out), Gracie said, "Is a baby in ya tummy foe wheel?", Ash said "Baby....in your tummy!?!" and Jay came and lifted up my shirt to see if he could find the baby. Gracie came over to me and whispered in my ear, "You know what I'm going to do when the baby comes out?........(with wide eyes and a nodding head) I'm going to hold it!!" Later that evening Gage came over and talked to the baby saying, "I'll teach you everything!" Nothing but excitement.

Looking forward to sharing more joy with you in the months ahead. I hoping the start of school will allow more time for blogging. Enjoy some of our summer pics.....

Love.

Gilroy Gardens



 Park time


 Gage took this
 Todd Beamer "water park"
Off to skate
Too much fun for Ash
Ornery

 Farm visit



ZOO
She Loves this dress, THANK YOU for the lovely hand-me-downs Ashley!
 "Follow me everyone!"-Gage, all the time

 This guy is trouble
 Her faces are ridiculous
The Bear
Stingrays
 Farmers Market


That's the robot, in case you didn't know


 Beach day in Monterey 

xoxo










7 comments:

  1. Congrats Dusty, your children are beautiful. I have a friend that is a single mother of 5, I look at her so many times and think how crazy her days are and the sacrifices she makes, but then I always think how much fun she has with her 5 children. God Bless you and your family!

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    1. Thank you Lawnna! It is wild already, but so joyful!

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  2. Oh my goodness! Congratulations! New life is an amazing thing. :) While loss etches out little pieces of us and can give us more doubt about ourselves than anything else, it can be God's way of pulling us close to trust him with everything. He knows more about child loss than many people.
    Your kids are just so much sweetness to take in. Yes, baby foe wheel!
    Yay! Congratulations again!

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  3. Oh my goodness! Congratulations! New life is an amazing thing. :) While loss etches out little pieces of us and can give us more doubt about ourselves than anything else, it can be God's way of pulling us close to trust him with everything. He knows more about child loss than many people.
    Your kids are just so much sweetness to take in. Yes, baby foe wheel!
    Yay! Congratulations again!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Looking forward to Phemom! Missing you, friend!

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  4. You are certainly crazy and I welcome you to my crazy club (we have jackets lol) New life is never a bad thing and I truly believe we regret what we didn't do much more than anything we DID do. Can't wait to hold this new little one (then give it back and go take a nap) xoxo

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  5. Oh my goodness! How perfectly wonderful. (And you KNOW who is going to be over the moon at the thought of another gorgeous Creighton Great-grandchild!) Dusty, I have told you more than once how in awe of you I am. You are the most amazing parent I have ever known, and a beautiful person inside and out. It's a pity you can't have a couple dozen more kids--only assuming it wouldn't be a strain on your mind, body, and finances, you understand. :-) I think you should have as many kids as you and your husband and family desire, and not one less. And don't let anyone judge you!

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