This year Matt and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary. Our marriage is busy and wonderful, easy and FULL. On the surface our marriage looks great-four beautiful children, a new home on the horizon, and I'm able to stay home with our children while Matt supports our family with a great job. Beneath all that is something even more beautiful. It is patience, forgiveness, gentleness, contentedness......
It's a busy time in our lives so there was no getting away. We went to dinner on our actual anniversary at Fleming's and exchanged gifts.
Before I go into how I ruined our anniversary let me give a background on how I've been feeling lately.......like crap. When I peer into my closet there is nothing new, nothing stylish, nothing that makes me feel great. I wear gym clothes every day. I actually decided to wear normal clothes to work in Gage's class a couple of weeks ago. I kid you not-he asked me, "What happened to your gym clothes?" Then, I've caught myself in pictures and realized that my life without makeup really ought to come to an end. I've lost my pregnancy weight and I feel like I look pretty good. But my diastisis recti has resulted in a little tummy pooch that may never go away and I still have a little muffin top in most of my jeans. I just haven't been feeling good.
So the evening of our anniversary I went to get dressed. I had something in mind to wear but when I put it on it looked terrible. It wasn't because I looked terrible but the dress was not flattering and the color washed me out. I needed makeup but since I don't wear any I didn't even HAVE any. So I tried, unsuccessfully, to put together another outfit. I was feeling awful. We decided to exchange gifts before dinner. I gave Matt a leather garment bag for when he travels. He gave me a gorgeous Chanel bag.
I cried. They weren't the tears of joy that some might expect. They were sad tears. I thought, "Where the heck am I ever going to carry this?.....I don't ever even get dressed.....he spent so much for something I'll never use....I couldn't even get dressed for dinner tonight...." Poor Matt. He jokingly said, "So I should have bought you the leather diaper bag instead?"
Don't worry-I've since made a turnaround. I realize that it's a gorgeous and timeless bag......something that I can pull out years from now and cherish as my third anniversary gift. If he had given something to carry everyday it would be trashed in a few months because my life doesn't allow for being any kind of careful right now.
It led me on a little journey......
The next morning I was still upset. Not about the bag but just the way I was feeling. I called Kirtie to come over and help me sort my life out. She assured me that for the most part I'm very happy and content but it would be weird if I didn't cry and have a little breakdown every once in a while. She reminded me that for the last three years my body has not been my own. I hadn't really thought about that but she was right. I've either been pregnant or nursing for three straight years. That's a long time. Thank you, friend, for helping me. I realized that it's okay to wear my gym clothes but I also need to get dressed up sometimes.....and that I need to start wearing makeup sometimes....and that I need to take time to make those things happen for myself.
So I started with makeup. My mom never wore makeup until my adult life so it's not something I'm familiar with. I've always thought I'd look better with makeup but anytime I've had it done I felt like I looked like a clown. Even in small amounts I would look in the mirror and see someone else. And honestly-when I look in the mirror I feel like I look okay without it. The problem is when I see myself in pictures I realize that I don't look okay. I look like dark circles. Anyway, I knew I couldn't go it alone but I wanted to find someone to help me stay natural looking. One of the mom's in Gage's class is a makeup artist that works in television-she offered to help me! She took me to Sephora and gave me a little lesson in makeup. It was hilarious. I had all three little ones with me but at the same time I felt like I was twelve years old. I couldn't believe how sweet she was to offer me that help. It was the first time someone has done my makeup and I still felt I looked like myself!
Then I had an appointment with Carrie. I always love my hair but even that has been a mess lately with my post-childbirth hair regrowth. I have little baby hairs all around my hairline that make my hair look fuzzy. Of course Carrie saved the day and changed it up with some shorter bangs and highlights. She's the best.
I have yet to shop for clothes. All of the kids needed winter clothes so time and money went to them instead. Maybe Santa will bring me a mini wardrobe.
All of that was a start, but then.......I had a revelation. I realized we have not been to church regularly since the twins were born. That was over eight months ago. I realized that just that one thing-going to church-would help me. Not only would I have to get pretty to attend-when I arrived my soul would be filled. I KNOW that this alone will be a huge help. I can't wait to let you know how getting back to regular services helps me.
Luckily my husband is understanding. He makes sure I know that he finds me beautiful with disheveled hair and a baby on each hip. The thing is-I know he does. I always feel loved. But it's not just about him, it's about me. As a mom-I feel great. All things considered, I keep it together pretty well. But I'm more than just a mama and I need to feel good about myself away from the house and kids. So I'm on my journey to feeling better.......I'll keep you posted on how it goes.....
Love.
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