Recently I wrote three posts in a row.....and I haven't been heard from since. Those were written while Matt was gone for ten days. He went on a hunting trip with his dad and brothers in Colorado. As it came up I would often get, "Ten days?", and variations of "Are you going to be okay with him gone?" In being completely honest.....it was actually a little easier. Don't get me wrong-I missed him, Gage kept fearing that he would be gone for his homecoming and Gracie kept saying, "I miss my daddy at home". But it was easier in other ways. I made spaghetti (because it's the kids fave and not Matt's) and it lasted us three dinners. That meant two nights with no dishes. It also allowed for an earlier dinner time and less stressful power hour (the window of time between dinner and bedtime that includes baths, teeth brushing, and books for everyone). It also left the evenings free to write a few posts. The time change was brutal. One day I found Gracie asleep in the middle of the living room floor.
She was so pretty......
One evening, while Matt was away, Gage was gone and the babies were being particularly fussy. I decided to follow the lead of a friend and I put them in the car. I drove through Panda Express for an enormous iced tea and through Sonic for a treat to share with Gracie. On my way I turned the radio up and enjoyed some music therapy. I had an overwhelming craving for a cigarette.....I was awfully close to our friend's Courtney and Doogs. They smoke. They would give me a cigarette. Don't do it, I told myself, just go home and put the kids to bed.
No idea where that came from. I've never been a smoker. I can only guess that it was some subconscious need for stress relief. It didn't seem any more challenging in his absence......but maybe there was some part that was......
I felt weak....my stomach hurt......it was weird. I mean, first of all I'm not usually a worrier. Second, the feelings of helplessness and incompetence were so real even though the circumstances were not. There was no fire....and nothing had happened that day to make me feel overwhelmed. I guess that's just how mom's are sometimes. I talked myself down.....this house isn't going to catch fire and if it did-you would figure it out......if it means plopping your babies down on the front lawn while you go back for the others, so be it. I think some mamas struggle with this all the time; I'm glad I don't. Worries take precious time.
Last night was a long one. The first long night (at home) that we've had in a while. Jay had a high fever that, at it's worst, reached 104.2. Poor pumpkin. He wasn't himself and Matt and I were up a good portion of the night putting cloths on him trying to cool down his little diaperless bum. Even though it was scary it was also precious and......joyous in some strange way. Something I needed. He would shiver with this exhausted look while nuzzling into our shoulders. As I held him I looked at his tiny and perfect toes. I rubbed his soft skin and admired his fuzzy hair. As the Tylenol kicked in his eyes would come back to life. He would start to smile......and babble......and laugh. Jay has this hilarious laugh he shares when you catch his eye. I've yet to catch it on camera but I will. It was intimate time with him that in the hustle and bustle can often be missed.
That little laugh I just love......
His teeth crack me up.....Jay-7, Ashlyn-0
Our nights are so hectic I don't really sit and spend time with the twins the way I did Gage and Gracie. I don't rock them to sleep or read them a bedtime story (YET). So even though it kept us up and had us worried-I enjoyed the time just admiring his perfect little self.
Enjoy a few more pics......
Love
Hate
Until next time.....
Love.
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