By nature I focus on the positive and often give the highlight reel but here's what's real: MANY days in the last few weeks-I haven't gotten out of my pajamas and haven't taken a shower till 8pm when Matt got home from work. Gracie's been in nothing but pajamas for nearly the entire month of December. I took my kids to the park last week-in their pajamas.
I was still in mine too.
While there I stepped in dog poop.
There is a stack of paperwork on my desk that I've been avoiding filing for over 3 months. There is probably at least a cup worth of Cheerios beneath the cushions of my couch. I've cried almost every day since Christmas.
The crying has to be hormones but it's also that sometimes life is overwhelming. As we've been preparing for the twins I've told Matt over and over, "Let's just wait till after the holidays". So the morning after Christmas I woke up crazy. I started cleaning up Christmas and cleaning out drawers and cleaning out the pantry and cleaning out closets. I suddenly had an overwhelming desire to get the house completely organized and ready for the twins. I wouldn't let Gage open any Christmas gifts because I felt like we needed to build some storage in his closet before it just became more unorganized.
I cried of overwhelmed that day. Then I cried because Gage has been acting up lately........I didn't cry because I was upset with him but because I was upset with myself. I've been too tired to discipline and deal with it the way I should. Then I cried because I'm afraid I won't be able to give each the kids the time and attention I should when the twins come. Then I cried because I was so exhausted that I hurt (sleeping has been AWFUL this last week). Then I cried at church because we were asked to take a moment and pray for what we needed. I cried because I realized that though I've been prayerful about my thanks, I haven't taken any time to ask the Lord for His help.
Lately my feelings are all over the place in regards to the twins. I'm excited to hold them and see their little faces and I'm beyond ready to be NOT pregnant. But as much as I can't wait to see them and I'm over being pregnant-I'm nervous and have anxious about our life when they get here. I wonder if we'll ever be able to get out of the house. Sometimes I'm still unable to wrap my mind around the fact that there are TWO babies in there. I still want to ask the doctor, "Are you sure?"
The upside in this post-because I just can't go without one-is that everything IS really good. I'm not on bed rest. I can still hold Gracie. In my last non-stress test the babies responded beyond expectations. Even though I haven't been out my pajamas for weeks (except for a few special occasions) I have only gained 36lbs which my doctor and I both think is great for a twin pregnancy at this point. There are no signs of pre-term labor. My physician tells me I could be his poster child for having twins. Though Gage has been acting up a little-he's still very helpful when I need him to be. After dinner last night he told me, "Don't worry Mom-we'll clean up, we'll do the dishes. You don't have to worry about anything, go sit down. We'll cook you breakfast in the morning too." He might need to work on his impulse control but he really does care for others.
Love.
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